Inside A Mind Full Of Imagination
2003-03-15 01:40:13 (UTC)

Bad, bad...

I've just been to the doctors again today and... found out
i'm still aneamic. My iron level is low and I've just had
blood test again. I might even have to see a blood
specialist, which sounds kindda bad to think of it. This
got me thinking... which I seriously don't want to happen,
I assure you... what if I suddenly get leukemia? I'm
scared. It got me thinking about dying, in which I'm kindda
afraid. I was also thinking about my heart (the physical
one... not the, u know what I mean).
Then I started to think... if I was to die (hopefully not
while I'm still young) I wanna fall in love first. I'm
happy with my life at the moment, don't get me wrong.
There's just that one thing I'm missing in my life. And
ya'll probably guessed what it is, since I've been talking
about "J" in two of my entries and that I'm seriously
sentimental. I'm a hopeless romantic and I love the idea of
being in love, though I've never been. I just haven't found
the right guy, and as I said before, I don't wanna keep my
hopes up with "J" coz... he's actually two years younger
that me. I don't mind age differences, it's just that...
well, I've never been in a relationship with a younger guy
before and it's kindda... it kindda feels a little strange.
I mean, even though I'm just getting to know him now and
all... I dunno. I'm a little confused.
It's too early to tell if anything would happen between us
in the future, though I'd like there to be something
between us. Even if it's just friendship, I don't mind.
But... hmmm... it's kindda too much to ask for anything at
the moment. I like "J", don't get me wrong. He's funny,
sweet (con't forget cute and gorgeous), tall, honest, nice
and interesting. I just don't know whether it's "like" like
or just a "crush" like, or something else.
Thinking about him make me think more about... love and if
anything would happen between us, and if something did
happen, how would it be. My past relationships lasted at
lesat two months each, so it wasn't long. But if something
did happen with "J", I'd like there to be something...
bigger and stronger and would last longer (hey the thre -er
endings!). But I don't know. Maybe I'm seeing too much into
this. Or maybe he likes me too, but I wouldn't know until I
ask him. I can get really blunt and flat out say it to him,
which I think I wouldn't mind, but... it reads a little
desperate, don't you think? But I'm pretty much blunt
around him since I'm really confortable talking to him
unlike other guys I talked to. Or maybe that's just because
I'm getting used to it, and my confidence/self-esteem (are
they the same thing?) level is going up finally. If it's
the second one, then I'd like it to continue, so I'd be
more... outrageous (not entirely) and outgoing and more
fun! And I'd also have the guts to sing in front of a crowd
like I want to. I love singing and I wanna be able to sing
in front of people without being shy. But then again, I
also have to improve my singing so I don't embarrass
myself, won't I?
Well, anywayz, I gotta go and eat. I'm getting hungry. Take
care nowz...


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