pompolia

Cuddles
2003-03-14 04:33:44 (UTC)

red and white: power and peace

I realized today that Ted bothers me because I do not
believe that people who can understand others like he can
should mind fuck them. He knows what bothers me, and he
does it on purpose. Why? For his personal amusement. It
really gets on my nerves. so I blocked him again.
He also made me realize something else.
I was born with the genes for a strong-willed personality.
I was one of those kids that disobeys their parents, and
wanders off to talk to strangers, and thinks she knows
more than they do. I still am, to some extent...
However, I was raised in a Fundamentalist home. We
attended (well, they still attend...) a Fundamentalist
(emphasis on the capital F!) churchat least twice a week.
I was taught to respect my elders. My mom is not very
patientand so yelled a lot when I was little. she yelled
at me for not being ready, she yelled when she argued with
dad, she spanked me occasionally (I deserved it...)and
this trained me to have the more submissive "white" or
sanguine personality. I wanted peace. I gave in. When
she yelled, I didn't argue back. when people said
something I didn't agree with, I didn't speak up. But I
did some ofthe time. I often wanted to.
These two personality types really conflict. It's
annoying! I learned that the "red" power-loving
personality was bad. Power corrupts, corruption is evil.
You should not have power over others. Seek peace. etc.
So, I lost that ambition that I once had. I used to get
upset if I got bad grades. I lost my ambition
completely. I think that is what I'm seeking with my
longing for a wilderness trip. There was a time when I
seriously thought I could take over the world. Now I
don't even have the ambition for plans that big! Just
plans! Really, with the ambition, I could do almost
anything. But how can you do something if you're not
motivated to work?
Where can I find that ambition? Should I cast aside half
of my personality? I am constantly at war within myself,
but this also allows me to see both sides. I'm at both
extremes of the spectrum. Should I stay at both ends? I
can't find a middle ground. It seems to be both or only
one. The middle ground is both. It's like painting a
blue stripe, then painting a red one over it. You can see
blue, and red, not purple. the purple is sort of there,
but you have to have some catalyst, some water or
somethign to mix the two together, and I can't seem to
find it. This sounds like a cry for help, and in a way it
is. I keep destroying myself. The battle on the inside
sometimes reaches all the way to the outside, and I don't
know how to end it. How do you stop a war, unless one
side loses? Wars don't have tie endings.




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