SweetJadeWhite78

Pandora
2003-03-14 03:11:51 (UTC)

Yesterday, Today

Yesterday i described my day as full of exhuberent joy.
it was great. i lost it today. poof.

the reason.
this new guy i went on a date with yesterday.
it not that he's bad at all, or its his fault. other
people just do this to me. i start to feel like i owe
them something almost right away. i was doing so well
too. sex sex sex. it all comes down to that. and i
don't want that with him. i'm just not really that
attracted to him. so move on right. why have i even
given it this much thought.

what i've been feeling today vs yesterday
apahty
dread - guilt
confusion

yesterday
joy
energetic
living

why
i've discovered for myself that i can let go of obligation
that my life "should be a certain way, that i should have
done something different" confusion comes when dealing
with other people. i still have that. that i should call
them, or should hang out, or that somehow i owe them
something.
so right now having other people in my life just destroys
all that, becuz i 'm not secure enough in my thoughts on
it. i easily revert back to that. to the misreable state
that i'm in today.
i can't be myself. i can't relax. expectations are
developing. turns into an instant obligation. how do i
rid myself of this now. i found a way out before. and it
needs to happen fast. cuz i don't want the rest of the
sememster to bet his way.
when this happens i start not answering my phone. laying
in bed all day. i don't live the day. i live in fear of
it. of its disappointments, its gritty dishonest insult
to life.
guilt.
i feel guilt/dread with boys becuz
- i am scared to death of having sex too soon again
of being weak, and regretting the encounter
- that i'm leading someone on that i'm not really
interested in.
- that it'll never work out anyway
-that i'm still holding onto my crazy obsessions that hold
no basis in reality.
- i'll feel like i can't go to mojo's again.
-that lasting love that is true doesn't exist.
- that guys paying for anything makes me more obligated
towards them.
- life is just easier being single.


-i would like to have someone to share my life with
-i wonder if i'm too picky
- i don't want to share my life with him, not other than
friendship. and besides his nose twitches and it drives me
crazy
- i need someone i'm attracted to
-i need someone that believes in the ideal, and can help
push me towards that
- i need someone that is generous, and supportive
- i need someone with varied interests.
-that likes to go dance, likes to go do things.
the only kind of person i'm really interested being with
is someone that i can be as close to as juli, mandi.
someone i can go to when i need to talk, or have a
problem.
i think i need a stronger personality too. for some
reason i like being the passive one.

its just not fair. i had made headway. i felt great.
life was precious yesterday. i didn't put up my shield,
my wall. i was completely myself. i think for a moment i
wasn't scared of being hurt, or being taken advantage of.
n e wayz. maybe i'll take a shower. that might help.
i feel like i want to go to mojos. and i want him not to
be there. i think he's going to be there tonight though.
god i got to get out more




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