forever changing
2003-03-14 02:09:34 (UTC)

i am so sick of this

i found out a few days ago that jesse was planning on
selling speed and that he had taken some. i told him that
it made me mad at him because i hate that drug and then
david or matt asked me why and all i said at the time was
that it was one of the reasons my dad was in and out of
jail when i was a kid but thats not all of it. it is also
the fact that i have seen what it does to people. my dad is
not a violent man but when he was on speed he would get
into rages and lose control not once did he hit any of my
brothers or me or my mom or anything but that was yet
another reason our house was physically in shambles because
he would beat the crap out of the walls and it scared me. i
saw the potential that his anger has and even to this day
even though i know that he would never allow himself to get
that angru or ever lay a hand on me out of anger i am still
afraid sometimes and i hate the fact that i feel this way
and i hate the fact that i had to see it. no kid should
have to go through that sometime s inotice that i am more
mature in many ways than most my peers, not trying to be
conceited or anything ,but i can see the big picture
sometimes more clearly than most, and i think it is because
i was forced to grow up as a child i would not have
survived if i hadn't and now i am who i am, and i refuse to
be involved with someone who does speed. most other drugs i
can tolerate but i will not even concider tolerating speed.
NEVER!i don't care who it was, i think that even if it was
ashley who got into that shit i would not speak to her i
would tell her to her face that that is something i cannot
be involved in and bye. i can't be involved in that again
it is too scary for me and now that it is not my parent
and i have enough of a choice to make up my mind about who
i assosiate myself with i refuse to be around that.(i know
i have said refuse a lot but that is how it is, i refuse) i
guess jesse told ashley to tell me that he is sorry or
whatever and i guess i could forgive him as long as he
never does it again. he didn't know what had happened, he
couldn't have and i did sorta just blow up on him but if he
ever sells it then he is not even just ruining his own life
but he is selling to other people a tool to ruin their life
and that is just plain screwed up!
i am soooo sick of the whole drug thing it has now gotten
to the point that it is just friggen annoying!!! sometimes
i wish that just for a little while i didn't have to deal
with anydrugs and when i concider it i am not sure if i
would be willing to give up some of my friends who do do
modrate drugs but i am jsut plain sick of it, i have said
it before and i will probably say it many times again but i
truly am