lukeryu

Mental Screamings
2003-03-13 01:57:24 (UTC)

Screaming into a pillow

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Throws pillow across the room and starts a general tantrum*
I am not a happy camper right now. And it is pretty much
all my fault. Its a girl (wow, what a surprise). We've
been pretty good friends for as long as I've been in my
school (which is two and a half years). Earlier in the
year, I started looking at her with more fondness. I kept
it surpressed because I didnt want to deal with it,
partially because I wasnt sure if I wanted to start a whole
relationship type thing, and partially because I wasnt sure
if the feelings would be recipricated. I started to get
this balloon full of feelings that was expanding inside of
me. No matter how much I tried to keep it small, it would
continue to grow larger. So this expanding balloon idea
brings me to last friday, a birthday party for one of my
other friends. My friend spent most of the night flirting
and kind of cuddling with this guy. It was to a point
where no one was quite sure what she thought of him. We
knew the guy a little, but not very well. Hell, it makes
me uncomfortable to see dating couples become all kissy. I
did not know what to think about this. Well, I watched
this go on all night. I am not mad or anything. I
understand that they are both adults and can make their own
decisions. There was just a voice in the back of my mind
all night that kept on repeating "Why not you?" And I
could not come up with a good response. I left the party
completely flabbergasted. That was like sticking a needle
into the balloon. It was not a immediate pop, but left a
small hole for everything to leak out. And leak out
everything did. From then until now, its been the only
thing on my mind. Its been driving me nuts. I've
discussed it a small amount with all of my friends and in
depth with a couple of them. I came to no conclusions
except that the two friends I talked in depth with said I
should talk to her about it. I had such high intentions to
talk to her today, because it was the first day she would
be in school this week (she was away on extra curricular
activities). I just couldnt bring myself to talk to her
about it. Thoughts kept on entering my head, saying "What
if it ends up going somewhere I dont want it to?" and "What
if it means something I dont want it to mean?" and other
questions I wanted to answer quick and get out of my mind,
but couldnt. I ended up, at the end of the day, telling
her that I needed to talk to her in private. It never
happened because she had to leave and it will be buzy for
the next couple of days. I am so disgusted with myself for
not getting up the confidence to talk to her early and lay
all the cards out on the table. I still have questions
buzzing in my mind. I am so tired of all of it, but I cant
bring myself to talk to her about it. I wish I could take
the votes of confidence I get from my friends, grind them
up into a fine powder, pour it into some water and drink
it, but for now I'll just have to muster whatever bravery I
have and try and find a convenient time to talk to her
tomorrow. Now for one last scream.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, thats a little better. :)




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