bobcats

i am nothing
2003-03-13 01:53:01 (UTC)

my poem

The End
why do i have this feeling
that all has gone wrong
i have scars all over
to show that im strong

i can take the pain of needles cutting into my skin
but i cant handle this pain that i feel deep within

take away my family
take away my friends
nothing ever changes
thats how it always ends
im enclosed in a pitch black room
filled with secrets, fears, and lies
no one there to find me
and then my body cries
alone in this room
scratching at my arm
with a needle and my music
it does me no harm
covered with a band-aid
the letter still shows through
bleeding all over, just wont stop
i ask myself what to do
i just keep scratching
i never halt
the pain grows stronger
is it really my fault?
when will all this hurting end?
i want it to stop now
please help me take it away
please just tell me how
this fear of everything enclosing me
insecurity and fear
im yelling out for help
doesnt anybody hear?

look into my eyes
its all lies
my heart cries
its this i despise

This feeling of insecurity
i fear being alone
this "s" on my arm
now cut to the bone
mom caught me
she saw my bloody cut
no, mom, it stand for sarah, not satan.
im not pyscho and im not a slut
dont call me slut, whore, or ho
i cant live up to those names
mom's sick of me, whatever that means
and she's sick of my "little games"
now i'm left with a nasty scar
on the backside of my arm
its not just a scar to me
i consider it a charm
to remind me of how i used to think
my life was so bad
one day hopefully i'll look back on it
and think man thats sad
but as of now, im still trapped
in this dark little world
i stay hidden and fall asleep
and i wake up curled
in a little ball
this rooms so cold
some one please come
remember what i've told
God has been accepted
into my life
He took away my pain
He took away my strife
What the crap?!
Throw it back in my face!
Now i've lost Him
He's gone without a trace
I want to pray
I really do
But i think He'd say
"why should i help you?"

Is he really there
does he really care
that i feel this tear
that i can no longer bear?

Im just asking for help
to get me away
and back on track with Him
to not let me go astray
you dont know what i've been through
i really want to tell
but can u really help me
out of this living hell?
visions ive seen
people i've known
words i've heard
the pain's just grown

Greater and greater everyday
no one takes the pain away
all they do for me is pray
and now i dont know what to say

guns, murder, death, divorce
have you seen what i've seen?
you act like you understand me.
do you really know what i mean?
beaten, i cant walk
crawl to my room, to my bed
bruises all down my legs
im not hungry-but im force-fed
im choking now
i feel half dead
the words still ringing
i remember what u said
now i remember what you dont say
you just dont talk
i try to start a convo
and all u do is walk
walk to a place away from me
and talk to some one new
do you know how much that hurts me?!
NO! YOU DONT HAVE A CLUE!!
I cry aloud
But inside even more
im still in this room
Please find the door
I need Him
i need you
because i have no one
with out u two
Please find me before its too late
before it turns into my end
i will take myself away from here
all i need is a friend
im a slut, im white trash
im a bitch, im a twit
im a loser, im a misfit
im a jackass, im stupidshit
Give me all the names you want
cant be worse than the ones i already possess
From my sister, mom, and dad
Yeah, i'll admit, im obsessed
Obsessed with getting away from here
but im scared at the same time
If i get caught-if it doesnt work
then i'll be a prime
a prime suspect in my mothers eyes
to be send to the E.R.
just believe me, im not crazy
just listen and you'll hear
the reasons i'd leave
they are you
the things you say
the things you do
you is my mom
but dont get me wrong
i love her to death
she's taught me to be strong
But theres always a few things
that makes the strongest person weak
hurts them deel inside their heart
just listen to them speak
Look into their eyes
look past their smile
be their friend
they'll open up after a while
i need some one
to open up to
but the question is
is that person you?
You've helped me b4
you found the door
but u shut it in my face
and what was the case?
A guy! how dum!
Plz, just come!
Just hear me out
you're my best friend, no doubt
i love u like no other
if i didnt y would i bother
to write this poem just for you
to understand me-to give u a clue
plz help me get thru all this crap
plz always be my friend
you're the only one i really care
that we make it to the end


poem written a few months ago to my best friend jessica.