2003-03-13 01:16:37 (UTC)

not depressed

now that i have a few moments, i decided to write in this
thing whilst feeling well. rarity, i feel. normally i write
in this when i feel like hurling myself in front of a bus.
writing is always easier, faster, when im depressed. well,
feeling miserable. there is a difference. i should look into
that, this whole attraction to i dont know how to call it.
dark side darkness evilly stuff. i think its in my nature. i
think it always will be. there is a reason i was a goth in
high school. well not a goth but a mess of a girl.i was
a;ways mortified at the thought that i like being tortured,
like conflict. sexually too, im attracted to the same thing.
but im also very attracted to sweetness, romanticness. ha.
i mean i was a virgin up until i dont know. 5 months ago?
22. and i all waited until i found what i was looking for.
that has to say something about my nature. there are things
i am attracted to but its not how i live. i think maybe
thats why i was so attracted to chris. to all the men. parts
of me that maybe wont ever manifest. for the same reason why
i tried to kill myself. way back when. that kind of
knowledge, that i wasnt ready for, and couldnt handle. that
darky knowledge. like harry potter, who could have thrived
in slytherin too. im not sure i know what im talking about.
whatever it is, its why i would rather go to the bar and
drink then lay in bed and read. why i did all that acid.
smoked all that pot. why rita would rather work at mars bar
than a posh cocktail lounge in the city.
you need a healthy balance of both tho. i need a healthy
balance anyway. my whole life has been trying to keep that
balance, so the scales dont tip like they sometimes do. i
feel like the rest of my life too, will be a struggle trying
to keep that healthy balance, and it wont always work.
but its been working just fine these days.