LoGiC_FauLt

Life as it is
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2003-03-12 19:36:49 (UTC)

A quiet evening brings a new beginning

I'm not quite sure what has compelled me to write my own
type of diary. Perhaps it is because I feel rather pathetic
at the moment and felt like getting down some frustration
that could be perhaps calm me down, or if possible get the
troubles off my mind.
Could be that I am simply trying to reach out for
something, and have a place where I can put my thoughts and
have at least a machine process them through and "read"
them, for I am not even sure anyone else will read this or
even bother with its contents.
Whatever the reason, it has begun, and it wont have an
end for the moment until I am satisfied with my outlook,
which could be a neverending moment.
Today was a rather calm day except perhaps for the stress
given to me by the Math test, which I believe I failed. Not
that it all matters, it never has really to me, grades,
they do not prove how or who I am, why I am the way I am.
They also do not prove my intelligence, heck I could be
failing for the sake of failing.
Many people might think that I do not have that many
problems, that I am carefree, and perhaps that it is not
right for me to be upset. I had an episode resently when I
had someone seem displeased at the way I carried myself
around school. Why should they even bother with my
personna? I could understand a friend caring, but someone I
rarely talk to just coming up and telling me what to do
with my life? Seriously, and even if I did otherwise, they
would still be disatisfied with some part of my behavior.
They also seemed to be bothered at my change from beard to
no beard, and so on.
I have my problems, many of them, as much as others may
think otherwise, but they all really do not compare to my
biggest problem of all. Most of the daily problems now I
have learnt to deal with because that is the only thing I
can do. The only thing that I cannot get used to is perhaps
the fact that I will never get anyone to love me like I
want them to do so, that they will not have any retribution
for my care for them. This could be a general statement,
but I feel pushed under because I cannot reach the shoulder
of this one person that means the world to me, and I have
no clue how to let her know other than what I have already
done.
Thinking forward, I will soon have to decide what to do
with my life, my future, and I dun think I'm ready for
that. Also, Lexi, Josh and Josh will be leaving then so I
will have to start all over again with nothing?? I'm sick
and tired of that, when I dont travel, people have to
leave. I thought it was going to be easier to deal with but
looking at it now from another angle, i don't think it will
be so.
Anyway, I have exceeded myself today in the writing, and
overall have said nothing but blabber on my feelings, which
are in the end meaningless. Tomorrow, another day, another
failure.


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