Blue Rosar

Song in Blue
2003-03-12 18:43:31 (UTC)

Confessions

Last night I recieved one of the greatest priveleges,
honors, and challenges any gay, lesbian, bisexual, or
transgendered person can be bestowed. I was hanging out
with some friends, I don't know why they were haning out
with me cause I was in one of my dark brooding moods, and I
went to go smoke with one of them. Well, this smoke break
turned out to be much more. I won't name names cause I
don't know for sure who all reads this, but this friend (a
girl) took the courageous step of saying that she is bisexual. This
was the first time she had ever been able to
say it out loud and she picked me to tell this secret to.
She knew I was gay and felt I was the only one who would
understand cause I had been where she was coming from. She
didn't get the words out of her mouth before the tears
came. For a good long time I just held her while she let
all the pain and frusteration of this revelation go. When
she was done I told her my own coming out story and that no
matter what, I would be there for her 247 if she needed
me. One of the most difficult things in the world to do
for a homosexual is to come out and I was so moved that she
picked me to begin with. We talked for about another hour
after that before we both went to bed. When I saw in her
the pain that I remember going through and battling about a
year and a half ago, all the selifish brooding and moping
that I felt right at that moment vanished. I think she'll
be alright; she's going to have it rough here for a while,
but i'll be there by her side for as long as it takes.

So the title of this entry is confessions, and it's high
time I made one that will go a long ways to
explaining...no, explaining is the wrong word...it will go
a long ways to maybe coming to understanding of why I am so
dark sometimes. In past entries I've mentioned two
prominent people: Josh and Joe. Both of these young men
played extremely important roles in my life and both will
forever hold a special place in my heart (even though the
latter hates me with a firey passion now). I loved both of
them, and both of them I hurt on purpose. I tried to tell
them from the very beginning of our relationships what kind
of terrible things I'm capable of when I feel the need
arises; neither of them believed. On the contrary, both of
them argued vehemently that I'm some kind of wonderful
person. I proved quite the opposite to Josh one night when
I went to surprise him down in Terra Haute one Thursday
night where I knew he and his friends would be hanging
out. I got all dressed up for the occasion, but not in a
good way. I put on my leather pants, wore a rather
revealing shirt, got decked out in chains and handcuffs,
the whole trampy nine yards. I was in rare form that
night, my sarcasm, cynicism, and just plain meaness was in
full swing. Add to that a few drinks and I was
unrecognizable to anyhow who knows me. I stayed the night
with Josh that night and left the next afternoon. I didn't
hear from him for three days. When he did eventually call
it was to break it off because he simply couldn't believe
that the person who met his friends that night was the same
person he loved. That was pretty much my intention, to
show him the other side of me. Well, it worked and it cost
me dearly. Months later I did much of the same thing to
Joe. He didn't understand the world I lived in or the type
of person that is required to survive there, the type of
person I am. So I showed him one Sunday night, then it was
I who broke our relationship off. I wasn;t content to let
that be it though, I hit him where it would hurt the most:
his friends. I knew perfectly well exactly what I was
doing, I knew how much they meant to him, I knew it was the
best spot to attack, and attack I did.

Why did I do these things? The complete answer to that
question is a mystery even to myself. All I know is that I
couldn't handle how these two people I loved so much saw
my. I couldn't handle the pedestal they were putting me
on, because it was the most false thing in the world. I
don't stand for false images, they're anethema to someone
like me: a defender of truth and honesty. So far the only
person who understands these actions and the motivations
behind them is Kat, and that's only because she and I are
as close to mirror images of one another as two people can
get. Anyhow, there's my confessions. Now I've got to get
to work on an assignment that's due in a few hours: another
resume and cover letter...yay!




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