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dbnsfg
2003-03-12 10:55:13 (UTC)

Like any of you cock suckers give a shit?

my head's pounding, my eyes are popping outta my skull, my
stomach's turning and if i cough one more time, i swear im
gonna start hitting random objects.. i hate being ill, and
i hate that no one believes im ill because im still capable
of typing and talking and walking and so on, but 90% of my
problems are phsycological.. they'll never get it

spent fuck knows how long trying to explain to becca, she
really doesnt know me at all.. and she's more stubborn than
i thought, see.. people i know, they have their ideas, and
if anyone elses ideas are any different, fine, but they
dont care.. they wont listen or take them into
considerationg, they're just there.. wankers

i hate people

i hate that i slept for so long last night, because of too
many reasons.. i never sleep, its fucked up my routine now,
wankers.. i over slept because i never sleep and my body
isnt used to it and now i feel even more tired, and i feel
wrong.. thank you 'god' for making me sleep, for now i feel
wrong.. all your fucking fault too.. wanker

keiron's ill, everyone's making a big fuss.. becca's got
the doctor coming out today to see him, just cos he's
sleepy, got a slightly higher temperature than usual,
coughing occasionally (because he has asthma) and yeah..
but when i was ill, and i was fucking dying, almost
literally, no one thought to call a doctor out to see me,
to make me better, oooooooooh no no no no i had to get over
it on my own, either that or go to the doctors.. never got
one to come see me.. double standards.. i hate that

i hate you all infact.. im fucking sick of everything and i
cant cope and just when i thought i was again getting back
on track and getting myself better so that i could actually
do something with my life, instead of sitting around
infront of my computer all day, complaining about how sick
i feel and how bad i have it.. it all goes to pot

so fuck you all

i tried

i really made an effort, and i was getting there, and you
all brought me back to the first fucking stage, which
doesnt even count to you lot because you dont feel like i
feel

becca said that dad said i wasnt normal.. she told me that
she should be grounding me for coming in at stupid times,
pissed as a newt and telling me to take protection out with
me because she knows im gonna be sleeping with people and
that i should be spending time on my appearance and
dressing up and trying.. i dont want to do all that, so im
not normal

joy

they hate me anyway, why else would they say im getting
kicked out in july?

bet the thought slipped that its my birthday that month..
oh dear, what a shame.. they always forget anyway, doesnt
make much difference

my head hurts, no one cares.. im depressed, i talk about
it, because people make me and they say they want to help
and i get "you're a freak" or "if it bothers you so much,
go get some fucking help and stop telling us your problems"
its like.. HELLO! YOU ASKED YOU FUCKING RETARDS! but no..
thats bullshit.. apparently no one ever asks how i am or
whatever and they dont want to know my problems.. i told
her i dont care.. then she went sarcastic and said a load
of shit that you'd expect to hear in a fucking playground

then again.. mental age

*says nowt*

i dont have any form of adult conversation, and i dont get
any mind stimulation.. i dont have friends, but im kool
with that because i dont like people anyway.. that also
makes me a freak, so im told, because why would anyone wish
to be alone?

simple

people get inside your mind, inside your feelings.. they
find out how you tick and then they break you.. it hurts..
takes a long time to recover, if at all

i dont want that

so i dont have it

:)

no one is willing to accept that though

i told her that i wasnt ready for a job, im not ready to go
into the world yet.. they wouldnt accept me anyway, not
even my family do so how are people i dont know, who dont
know me, expected to?

she said i had no choice.. that dad would get done or
whatever.. they always use that.. tell me my dad will get
into trouble if i dont do certain things, and then they
threaten to take away my internet connection, like its the
only things that get through to me.. im still looking for a
way to get through to them

i cant cope, really cant

they cant stand to be around me, say that im stupid and
pathetic all the time, like its supposed to help, and i
asked her why she does it and she changed the subject to
how i make no sense, but thats just me and people wont see
it, they wont just shut up and deal with the fact that im
not like everyone else and im never gonna be like everyone
else and im always gonna be weird and different and
immature and confusing and i dont want to be any other way
and they always try to change me and i dont want to be
changed, i just want to be happy and i cant be because no
one will let me

it always comes back to school when we argue, even when
we're not arguing, i get accused of starting an argument..
she shouts and bangs and i sit and talk like an adult and
she says im patronising her, only not that word, because
she doesnt know what that word means.. she says i look down
on her, that i treat her like my 'scummy mates'.. i think
people forget that i dont have mates sometimes.. i dont
have anyone.. get it yet?

im alone

sure, theres people online, but that doesnt make me any
less alone

im still just me on my own with no one else

and no one understands me

people ask for me to explain, but how can i explain myself
to someone else, if i dont understand myself?

ven just called.. so he's no doubt gonna read this when he
gets chance to access the net, and then he'll go all
fucking sympathetic on me, and i dont fucking want that.. i
just want people to act with me, how they'd act with anyone
else

i want people to be happy for me when im happy instead of
being me down, because its not often that i can honestly
say i am happy, and the times i can say it.. im not.. just
not as down as usual

i want people to respect that i have mood swings, and i
change my mind a lot, and yes.. IM FUCKING DIFFICULT.. and
i like it.. get it?

i couldnt care less whether or not i hurt peoples feelings,
but that doesnt mean im heartless, just means i'd rather
block everyone off and deal with stuff in my own way

ffs

i HAVE to go

becca's been sat in the living room with linda for fuck
knows how long whilst keiron's been laying in her bed,
feeling sorry for himself, and he's been fine.. but now
linda's gone, i have no choice but to go sit in the living
room with the dogs while becca looks after keiron..

they say i dont make sense?

ROFLMFAOPMSLCTMVM

im getting shouted at, over and over, which she knows bugs
me and i told her not to do.. fucking annoying

i'll write later or something




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