My Heart and Soul....
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2003-03-12 05:01:50 (UTC)

I'm still alive

Wow.....so yea...I'm still alive.

Sorry to all those that I disappionted. :-P

A lot has been going on with me, and altough pretty much
everyone has heard it through the grapevine, I know there
are a lot of people who I don't know very well or even at
all, who read this, so I'll write a nice long update.

Last Wenesday I had a major nervous break-down. Things just
hadn't been going well at all........it was no good. I ended
up taking most of my clothes and stuff like that, and went
to Josh's. I was there until this Sunday. I came home to
help my mom move, and I think I'm staying here for now. I
don't really know. I had to get rid of my car, cause I can't
afford it, which is a sore subject, and I really don't want
to get into it. The gist of it is that I have no money to
buy a car, and no car to get a job so I have money. I have
no idea what I'm going to do. I can't ask any of my family
for help because most of them aren't speaking to me.

School....uhhmm...I don't even know. I haven't been since
like before winter break. My depression got really bad, and
I was getting physically ill every morning at the thought of
having to go. I just stopped going. I don't know if there is
anything I can do now. I've missed almost all of school
since November when I got sick. I know it's bad, but there
is nothing I can do about it now. I've made my decisions and
acted upon them, and there is really nothing I can do to
change that now. All I can do now is start making some beter
choices, and do what I WANT to do. I have had a lot of time
to do a lot of thinking in the past couple weeks. I've
decided that way too much of my life was my trying to do
things just to please everyone else. I was making decisions
based on what people would think of me. I was doing things
that other people wanted me to do. But I kept feeling like I
was coming up short somewhere. I finally figured out that
it's because I wasn't listening to myself.

I sat down one night when I coulnd't sleep and thought. I
asked myself: If I were going to do what I wanted to do, and
no one could influence me, and money were not an issue...how
would I go about solving the problems in my life...the
solution that came to mind. Go to Florida. Stay with my
cousins for a week or so, and go into Ganisville, find a
full time job and an apartment. Make all the arrangements
ahead of time, and head down there in last august/early
september....work for like a year, maybe take some courses
at the communti college. Wait until I establish
residency....then I'll enroll in college part-time, and
prolly keep working.....work toward my teaching certificate,
get my degree, and teach high school foreign language.

So...I know what I want. Now, all I have to do is work
toward accomplishing it. I know it's going to be hard. But,
it's what I want. It's not the college, or the job, or the
path that anyone wants for me, or that anyone would have
chosen for me, but it whats I want. And that is what my life
is about. I've only got one life. They had theirs, and they
did with it what they wanted. I'm done letting them try to
make the choices they never made through me.

I want to give a special thank you to a very small group of
people. There is a group of girls that have been my friends
since elementary school. Amber, Stacey, Kris, Sara,
Gabs....my best friends. Have supported me ALL my life, no
matter what the decisions. I need to thank them now, for
being there for me. They aren't being like some people, and
kissing my ass, telling me they'll support me whatever I
want to do, and all that crap, and they aren't like
others...attacking me and telling me how much I've messed
up. They tell me what they feel. They tell me they have
always loved me, they tell me they are there for me....and
most importantly....they are there for me. Those are the
kinds of people that I need in my life. Not the people that
have always pretended to be my friend, and then when times
get hard, and I get like this, they turn their back, pretend
not to notice, and talk about me every chance they get.

One good thing to come of all this. I found out who my true
friends are. I'm glad though. They all mean more to me than
all the others combined.

I don't want to leave anyone out though. Sal, Chris, Scott,
Will, Andy, Char, Danni....you guys have been a huge help
too. I love you all....

And also my baby. He's been there through all of this. Poor
guy. He's had to deal with a nervous breakdown, three panic
attacks, and I don't know how many sleepless nights. And God
Bless the guy....all he does is hold me, or sit next to me,
and tell me that he's there for me. We said 'I love you'
last thursday. I was a little scared, but I just feel
comfortable saying it to him. He's made such a difference in
my life, and he's probably the first guy that has dealt with
my problems on a first hand basis, and still loves me. He
doesn't get freaked out, he doesn't get angry or upset. He
just sits with me, all night if he has to (even if he has to
work at 7:30) and he tells me everything will be ok. And it
is ok. And I love you Joshua Kieran Fuller. You're my baby!
Thank you for everything. Mesmerized. :-*

I guess thats really all thats been going on with me. Not a
whole lot of exciting news I know. Most of it is kinda
depressing. But I guess the good thing is that I know I have
a problem, and I know I have to deal with it, and most
importantly, I am ready to deal with it. So I am going to do
my best. Thats the only promise I can make. And come what
may, I'll be living my life for me.......and that's more
important than anything else. Thank you again to the friends
that have been there for me. You make life worth living.

Can't forget...I love you Mamasita. I know times have been
tough, but all my life, no matter how dark and grey things
get, I'll I ever have to do is reach out, and I know you'll
be standing there waiting for me. You are more than my mom,
you are my best friend. I'm sorry if I haven't shown you
that you mean everything to me. I will try my best to make
it up to you. Just know that I love you no matter what. And
I appreciate you more than I can put into words.

I guess thats all. I think I'm going to go read for a while,
maybe organize me new room! OH YEA! hahaha...we
moved....down To willard, on prospect street. Those of you
who know me and the area...we are two houses down from Pat
W. Call me if you want directions to come see me!!!!

I love you all. I try to keep in touch. I've got more to
write about, but I'm not in an emotional mood right now, so
you'll have to wait.

Nighty-Night everyone.