Sherry

.... on Living and Loving
2003-03-11 15:51:57 (UTC)

another to the guy i live with...

I’m not sure what I’m going to say. I decided to write this
just a moment ago, and I wonder if I’ll have enough words
to make it worthwhile.
You asked me to stay up the other night so that you could
talk to me when you got home. I did. You must have worked
something out in your mind while driving because you seemed
to avoid talking of anything relevant. I told myself before
you got home that I was going to listen.. and not respond.
You asked me to just listen and that was what I was
prepared to do.
I guess I’ll start by saying this. I’m not sure what your
problem is with how things are now. They remain unchanged
from the way they were on Elizabeth St. Some of it may be
due to Stephanie and her ‘feelings’. I don’t know. What I
do know is that I go out of my way (a lot) to make her feel
comfortable. ( More so with her than the others ) I’ve run
out of ideas relating to that. I’m done going out of my
way because it seems to get me little in return. (often not
even an answer when I ask her a question).
I can’t blame her for her feelings because we can not help
how we feel. I do however; think that she is being
unreasonable. She is 17 and soon to be on her own (in May,
I guess) and she will have to understand that you can’t
have IT ALL. She should know, because I’ve mentioned it
enough that I would be happy for her to move in here. I’ve
told her that. I’ve asked her if she wants to. What else
can I do… ? You tell me.
As for the other kids. I don’t feel that they are as
demanding as Stephanie seems to be. Maybe they understand
that the world doesn’t revolve around them. I don’t feel I
have to go out of my way with Bri.. or even Kyle to make
them feel comfortable. They just do. (and that is how it
should be)
I like the older kids. I really do. The little ones get on
my nerves. You have said that they get on your nerves,
well, triple that! That’s how much they get on mine. The
difference is.. you chose to have them with you. So, I
guess it is something that you choose to put up with. What
bothers me most is that they haven’t been thought respect
for adults. They don’t answer when asked a question etc. I
don’t allow my kids to treat me that way and I surely won’t
allow your kids, not without saying something to them and
sounding mean.
I told myself yrs ago, and you know this is true, that I
would never be with someone with kids.. and here I am,
living with someone that chooses to take on responsibility
for 3 or 4 that aren’t his. That was one of the major
reasons I wasn’t interested in being more than friends with
you . You’ve always said it isn’t’ the kids fault… well..
I agree with that.. but it wasn’t your fault either. The
situation you put those kids in makes me very angry. And
what bothers me more is the fact that you chose to put the
little ones in this screwed up situation and you chose to
take on a responsibility that (at times) you can’t even
handle. I surely can’t handle it. Not even 4 days a
month. I guess it may be different if they really were
your kids. But they aren’t. Maybe I would feel different if
you had no choice but to have them with you.. but you do.
I may sound mean but this is how I feel. Maybe I should
apologize for that… but I won’t. I, like Stephanie can’t
help how I feel.
You said the other night that it’s not just Stephanie or
the disagreement over the table, but that it’s other things
also. I think I know what you are getting at there.
Perhaps I feel it too. Sense living with you there are so
many things I miss…. (mostly having to do with Mike because
he is the one that helped me realize these things
existed.) I miss the loving relationship. The kisses
goodnight, holding hands, smelling cologne that intoxicates
me, falling asleep holding hands, sitting next to each
other watching movies and all the other aspects I once
had. I miss it terribly. But, I’m uncertain I can get any
of that here. This is nothing I haven’t told you before. I
sent you a long email explaining all of this. Funny thing
is. I probably couldn’t get it anywhere else either. If you
don’t understand how I feel about this then you certainly
won’t understand why things are the way they are. I’ve
explained over and over about how my heart is somewhere
else. I’m afraid I probably sound like a broken record. Do
you think, given a choice, I would feel the way I do? I
wish I could change it. I think that I’ve come a long way
from where I was even a yr ago. But that still leave me
here, where I am now. I will apologize for all I can’t
give you. (for all I don’t give you). I’m at a loss for
words regarding this. I’ve run out of explanations. I
really have.
Do you think that I don’t want it to be different? Do you
think that for one minute I don’t wish it could be
different? I do!
Maybe this clears up some of the things you were thinking
about or maybe it will invoke conversation.
Talk to you later.




Ad: