ruthemily

girl, interrupted
2003-03-10 00:44:58 (UTC)

leaving party

it was my leaving party last night, i SO didn't want to
go, but my god, it turned out to be the best fucking night
of my life! there were tears, lots of tears, but it was
good, and a nice "note" to officially leave on.

the night was pretty much as normal, we'd caused a stir in
the governor's, had a few drinks, then we went to the
bollin fee and carried on drinking there. anyway, the main
thing is that it was jemma's birthday yesterday, and she
wanted to go into town, but she also wanted to come to my
party, so she decided in the end to stick to wilmslow and
they met up with us. i knew duncan was out with jemma, and
when i knew he was on his way i was planning escape
methods, but when he got there i was surprisingly calm. i
just ignored him and avoided looking at him at all. then
he came and sat down next to me and asked how i was, to
which i just said "yeh i'm fucking fine thanks" and turned
away...he left it a minute and then said, "look ruth i
know we've had our differences in the past but i'd like to
start again..." and i just looked at him and shouted "you
FUCKING HURT ME".

anyway, we decided to 'take it elsewhere', so once we'd
found somewhere to sit he held my hand and started
talking. he was saying how sorry he was for what he did,
and how he has changed a lot since then and he wishes he
hadn't done it, because he realises now that he should
respect girls, not abuse them, and i told him how USED i
feel and he said it really hurt him for me to say that
(not as much as it hurts for me to feel it remember) and
that he is sorry and he wishes it hadn't happened because
he hates how ill i've been / am and he feels guilty and
sorry and he's sorry, really really sorry, and he's never
been able to get close like that with anyone else because
he's scared of hurting them now too...and he's sorry.

i cried so much, i cried like a fucking baby, and he held
me and it felt ok, i didn't feel scared, i can't believe
it, and i can write and say his name, duncan duncan duncan
and it only scares me half as much as it used to. it's
strange.

it means so much that he said what he did. just the fact
that he has acknowledged it, that he knows, that he is
sorry, it has helped me. it's only a little bit of
what i need to do to "get over it" but at least it's a
start.

anyway, after a lot of tears, we got chucked out of the
bar and decided we'd all go back to jemma's house...i weed
on erica's new shoes on the way, oops, and once we got rid
of cappucino man, cad drove us all back. i drank more and
jemma and i had such a laugh, we all did, all the girlies,
it was good.

i spent today with lisa, it was really nice, i'm petrified
she'll hate me now she knows what i look like / what i
talk like / what i am like in general...i think too much
of her to lose her.

i spoke to kahlie this evening, and tom too, who said he
feels something "clicked" that night we went out...he
wants me to go to stoke to stay with thim on tuesday, i
want to but i really don't know whether i have time...i
also don't want the inevitable to happen if we are
together, as it will make it harder to come away.