cryingcountrycowgirl

Lost and Searching
2003-03-10 00:31:12 (UTC)

Dearest Julie

There is a friend that i do have and she knows about my
terminal illness, and it seems not to bother her...i would
not say that she is the greatest friend in the world, but
when times get tough she is about the last one i would of
thought would show up to offer me shelter and guidance from
the storm raging inside of me...

she came to me on thursday night out of the blue and took
me out of my cocoon i call a room....she took me away to
meet friends of her, friends who didn't ask questions about
my appearance nor my lack of valor, they just accepted me
as i was, a tired, colorless, girl....and that was a
healthy dose of living if i ever needed one....

and then when she finally brought me home to my finally
resting place she stayed in bed with me, and where i held
her as she cried like a baby for the losses she has already
endured...

she was fourteen when her father was taken away from her
unexpectedly, and never was able to tell him goodbye, nor
ask the questions that a child has always for their
daddy...as i held her she asked me what i thought about
dying.....

at first i couldn't really say what i thought for sure, but
the first thing going through my mind that night was the
fear of leaving someone behind, or not telling another
every i needed to share with them...but for real i am not
afraid of dying...i know that when i die i will be taken
from one job and placed in another watching over people as
an angel...i tell about my dreams that i have, where i am
floating and something takes a hold of me and eases my fear
and pain away, comforting me....and that knowing that is
what awaits for me keeps me calm...but then i have to tell
her, my fears of never wanting to be forgotten....of dying
and not accomplishing anything.....