My Fucking Journal God Damnit
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i love her like no fucking other. like, fucking seriously.
and i'm starting to realise that her and i are going to be
a GREAT us. i mean a fucking *GREAT* us! but i'm learning
patience right now. great, great patience. and i believe
firmly that my patience and time spent will pay off with
her and i will wait as long as i have to. i really will.
she's that amazing and she means that much to me.
i cried so hard last night thinking of everything. and i
relaised through Kelly that im gonna have to work uber
hard for this wumyn and for this to work and by Goddess if
i don't do it and do it fucking well.
my weekend was fucking incredible. Kelly and Jenny came
and not only did we have more fun than i think i ever have
in my entire fucking life, but i learned so fucking much
about me and i learned so much awareness for people around
me. wow. some intense shit.
i'm so fucking beside myself. i'm like... i never thought
i could ever love someone this much. like so much that i
enjoy the slightest of company, even on-freaking-line.
like... in so many ways it's really not enough, but in the
most important ways it is enough. it's way enough. because
in my beautifully mending heart i know, if i can, play my
cards the right way that this is going to be perfect.
i'm crying. i'm so afraid right now that she may think i'm
just some fickle 16 year old girl and i'm so not. i'm
serious. i would never hurt her, never lie, never anything
that would jeopardise anything. right now i'm just
thinking of how no one could possibly comprehend my love
for her. i'm dead fucking serious. like, i can barely
comprehend it myself, right.
i have to say, though... i do not think i am in love with
her. i don't know her well enough to reallygrasp all of
her and completely and totally be in love with her. i love
her very much. more than fucking ANYTHING right now. i
don't think it'll change, either. like, she'd really have
to fuck me over. and totally push me away and out. and i
know she won't. i want her to feel this way about me. not
so i can... like that sounds selfish, but it's not like
that. it is, like... i feel so amazing and i want her to
feel it, and of course about me, but... just to know she
feels this way even if.... just... even if.
CHRIST! she is so beautiful. she eminates this massive
fucking beauty and radiance and stuff. *sigh*. like,
thinking about her makes me happy. her beautiful fucking
face and her whole person. all of her. she has a sparkling
personality. that sounded cheesy. :oP but really... i mean
all i can think of when i think of her is the
words 'beautiful,' 'wow,' and 'i love you.' i want to love
her forever and ever and ever and make her think that she
doesn't NEED love from anyone else. like, if everyone else
hated her it would be okay because of how much i loved
her. it's absolutely unconditional. i'm serious.
undivided, unconditional, unequaled.
heh. i love this... 'why do i feel like being hated by you
is better than being loved by everyone else?' OH I FUCKING
LOVE THAT! it's SOOOOOO TRUE! so true. i so love that and
also: 'i get the best feeling in the world when you say hi
or smile at me because i know that even for one second
i've crossed your mind.' wow. that is so true. heh. love
can really be a marvelous fucking thing. and i'm so glad i
realise this now. i'm so glad i can and have the
opportunity instead of burying myself in pity because i'm
stupid and i don't know how to make things happen for me.
i can now, though because i've learned lots. and i've
taken all into play as soon as it's come to me. good
things. AND good things coem to those who wait. firm
believer in that sometimes and right now is definitely one
of those times.
i love Rachel.