random scribbles
2003-03-09 20:52:13 (UTC)

another lost weekend...

[music - something corporate - mood - exhausted]

i dont think ive ever felt so tired after a weekend...
i am physically and emotionally drained. it seems like
a week ago i was at school on friday.

so, friday. it was an important day because like
punkanna said a lot of stuff got sorted out. she
and harry got to my house first and i was being
really grumpy, not because i didn't want to see them,
just because i was really depressed. but anna a
arrived and we went to safeway to buy stuff and then
i felt a lot better. anna a brought round so much
alcohol that she had to bring it in a suitcase :)

in between drinking and baking, nudge arrived, and
we all had a lot of fun.


Nudge - You didn't make that too strong, did you? Because
know if you did I won't enjoy it.

Punkanna - Which part did you want to enjoy then, Nudge?

Me - Well, she thought they were playing Mummies and

Nudge - Ohhh... that's always the way.

Nudge - But what if I fall asleep?

Me - Then I'll give you a kiss and put you to bed.

Anna A - Oh, will you do that to me, too?

Me - No. You might take it too far.


Anyway, it was great. we took harry to the bus stop and
met some crazy people there. nudge and i had a whole
conversation her speaking italian me speaking spanish.
so i think the crazy people figured we weren't quite
normal either.

nudge and punkanna were talking to me about my leaving
party and nudge goes "well what we were wondering is
if you wanted to invite people from outside school, like
jess obviously, and like billy..."

i felt so weird when she said that. i was so relieved.
because i have been thinking about him so much and its like
they read my mind. later we went down to camden for kebabs.
i was talking to punkanna about him and it was such a huge
weight off my shoulders, such a relief, there have been
so many times over the past 2 weeks when i've wanted to
talk with her about this but i always stop myself and
it was such a blessing to be able to tell her all
the thoughts running through my head. she understood
everything and told me all the things i wanted to hear
and some things that i really didn't want to, but
needed to: "I know this isn't what you want to hear,
but I think it's very likely that you broke his
heart." but then he broke mine too...

as we were walking through camden high st, i heard
someone yelling "em!" and anna and i turned round
and jess was there, she was like "we're all
going to pump later, come along."
the 4 of us headed back to mine and got ready to
go out, but nudge wasnt going to come because she
had invited bayan round. at the time, in my
exceptionally drunken state, i thought this was
fine... however when he turned up he had some random
guy with him.

punkanna - "em, there's a youth standing outside your

we left, i was like "dont let this guy inside" hmph
i was disobeyed.

anyway, pump was wicked. we found faye in camden
chatting with some italian guy exceedingly
drunk. i love faye, shes so funny. we were
in the queue and she couldnt even stand up.
inside we couldnt find jess though we did
see joe radcliffe so she was in there somewhere.
we just had a really good time dancing away (the
grannies out on the town) and avoiding being
molested by 30 year old men. though i'm pretty
sure anna a was enjoying that part of the evening ;)

we left after a bit because i was a bit worried
about what was happening with nudge. when i
got home my dad was there. VERY pissed off.
nudge was on the sofa with bayan all over her
and the other guy was there, theo apparently.
at school with bayan. my dad had cleared
up all our mess and was fuming, totally
understandably. was i think particularly
angry about the fact that nudge had left
cigarettes out on the kitchen table. he went to bed
straight away and we made pizza. theo came in
and asked if he could sit with us because
nudge and bayan wanted some time alone. it
turned out they hadnt even pulled let alone
had sex. i got punkanna to turf the boys out
pretty quickly. nudge pulled bayan on the
doorstep then was all upset about it. theo
apparently wanted the 4 of us to go on
a double date, i was getting progressively

when nudge came back down i started yelling
at her, i was just so angry, so worried that
dad was going to be mad at me for ages, and
then... i dont know, i just burst into tears.
punkanna took me nextdoor and i just cried
into her arms for about an hour. i cant
get over what an incredible friend she is. i
felt so awful for ruining everyones evening,
but i just really needed the release. nearly
every evening this week, i've had that
thing where you feel the sobs deep down
inside you but the tears wont come to your
eyes. well i got them all out this time.
i cried about dad, nudge, and billy. so much
about billy.

finally i calmed down. apologised to nudge.
we all went to bed and i slept so, so well.

last night - saturday - the grannies needed
a quiet night in so punkanna and i cooked
dinner for ourselves and watched tv. i
emailed billy and he wrote back. pretty
much what i expected. hes not a big fan
of me anymore and i cant blame him. i tried
so hard to let him go but i couldnt. and
i still cant. and i really really hate myself
for that.

the good thing about today was i went
running for the first time in ages. i've felt
so crap about not going and i think that
its kind of been correlated - me feeling
depressed with me not running. i went for
a really long run and i sat at our spot and
i wished upon a lampost. the city looked so
beautiful and i cant deny that this time
i wanted to share it with someone. but there
we go.

ahh... i am sort of dreading seeing some
of my friends tomorrow. i am dreading school
SO much. it has become almost intolerable.
but i guess seeing those friends that i love
to bits make it all worthwhile. especially
the ones like flo and iz who i might not keep
in touch with (much as i want to) these are
the last few months we have together.

better make them special.

*this is to dying in another's arms and why i had to try it;
its to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car, when
the first star you see may not be a star*