Pandora

Fear and...Nope, Just Loathing

9 March
2003
Sun

12:25 p.m.

I wonder what it says about me that I've managed to
grow tired of some of the people who seem to think I'm the
greatest person in the world. I suppose I should be proud,
considering the front I put up is so good my feelings have
gone undetected. It feels a little inauthentic, though.
But how do you tell someone that the sound of their voice
makes you physically ill? That their mere presence sucks
all positive energy out through your pores? That verything
they say is so insipid and meaningless that you think they
shouldn't even be allowed to speak at all, much less to
you? Perhaps I need a break. I fear the rising level of my
internal hostility; I'm not sure when or how it's going to
rear its ugly head.
Maybe this has more to do with my being upset with
myself than it does with others. I've always been a person
who loves in others the attributes I wish I had and hate
in others the weaknesses I can't seem to overcome. Like
all the self-deprecating remarks my roomates make. It
bothers me to hear others vocalize their insecurities. I
have to physically stifle the eye-rolling. A result, most
likely, of the fact that I don't vocalize mine often
because it sounds weak. I feel like I keep mine to myself;
others should do the same. It just sounds whiny. Don't let
others know you don't like yourself; it's either grounds
for pity or grounds for them to allow themselves not to
like you (You don't, why should they?)

More later