Arcenciel05

Notebook scribbles
2003-03-09 06:40:56 (UTC)

Thought Drills

I had so much stuff to do for weeks on end. Waves of
sickness that would over take me. A total lack of
motivation swept over me and knocked me down... rendering
me incapable of completing simple tasks. I need to bring
some focus back into my life. I'm all over the place.
There's too much background noise and I'm so easily
distracted. Why is that?
Lately, I've started questioning my mental health. I knew
that I was never normal or that I never could be, but I'm
really starting to think that I'm not alright. Things are
piling up and what I used to think made sense really
doesn't.
Why do I let the stupid little things get to me? Why am I
so intensely emotional and volatile? I really have to cut
that out. Or learn how to master those feelings a little
more. You know?
Spring Break has begun.... and so has intense boredom. I
was praying that these days free of responsiblity would get
here sooner. Now that I actually have nothing to do, I
don't know what to do with myself. So I just sleep.
There are very few people around for me to play with. I
passed out drunk and retarded in Patrick's bed last night. (No,
nothing non-kosher took place.)
I would play with him, but I think that he might have had
enough of me. I felt really bad but he says that it was ok.
So I just sit here, writing... wondering if I should start
doing some of the homework that I vowed that I would do.
There's plenty of things that I could be doing to quell
this listlessness... but the question is: Do I want to do
them? Not really.
Now that I have all this Chanel time, I also have more time
than should be allowed to think. Thinking really does get
me into a heap of trouble. It always has. Thought drills
holes in time. My emotions, thoughts, and body are so
interlinked that there is somehow always a reaction. When
I'm worried, I'll get sick to my stomach and all of those
other cliche things. People tell me: you shouldn't let it
bother you. And I just want to say you tell that to my
stomach or brain or my heart.
I've also had time to re-evalute my feelings about certain
friends. Are they true or false? Should I cut them lose or
pull them closer? Cleaning the house of unneeded friends is
sometimes hard to do. What's even harder is realizing that
a friend means more than you ever cared to notice before.
In the beginning, I only noticed him in passing and went
through the motions of the friendly "hey"s. Time passed and
we started eating together every weekend. And feelings of
infatuation ensued. After weeks of frustration, I decided
to turn onto a road that would hopefully lead me somewhere
other than a bricked up wall. While I was on my way, I
think that he might have taken a turn too.
More time passed, as it always has and will, and
infatuation dissolved and a genuine love formed. Whether
that love is romantic or not, I don't know. The not knowing
is driving me absolutely insane. I think that it could be.
But I don't know if I want it to be. I just want to be. I
want to be happy- which I am whenever we're together. I
don't want that to change unless it does it on its own.
Unless he wants it to. I do know that we were definitely
meant to be apart of each other lives. Have you ever had
that feeling with someone? Is that too much for me to be
thinking?
I've stopped trying to plan exactly how my life would be
long ago. It's nice to have a guide to check every now and
again, but getting of course really isn't a bad thing.
Sometimes we're taken off the path we're on to get to where
we need to go. I'll know when I get there. But it's fun to
think about it before it happens.




Ad: