forever changing
2003-03-08 18:59:58 (UTC)

just thinking of what was lost

i've been thinking a lot about david the last few days and i wrote a
poem, well it's not really about him it's more to him so i will type
that in here now. i titled it "if only as a friend,(ilove you)" but i
think im goin to change that when i think of something better i am
really not good at titling my poetry.

you chose me
stood up against the opposition
though there really wasn't much
and waited when i was afraid
i got to know you and learned
i love you as a friend
but still i felt a little bit more
more than just my friend
neither of us took the step
though both of us would have fallowed
so that was the end
you broke up with me
you broke me
i couldn't let you see how much it hurt
i fouhgt the tears back hard
just to try to fool you
fool myself
let you think that i was fine
but before i allowed myself to turn around and cry
my distant crush was looking at me
i convinced myself i was over you
we are now just friends
my feelings for you a part of the past
i triend to move on so soon
one half was still on the rebound
the other falling deeper into my school girl crush
i wasn't looking for this
didn't know what i was looking for
but i found love
and his love is what keeps me from your arms
and his eyes are what keep you from my gaze
though i know i'm in yours
my true feelings for you are hidden deep
not in the past
but too far down to search for
while i am with my love
and i can feel his arms around me
it's my fault we never got a second chance
the thought of us broke my heart
and i just wanted to move on
to be able to look at you
with out trying to figure out what it was that i did wrong
or how i could have done it right
though still sometimes i do
right now you mean so much to me
if only as a friend
with you i have formed a trust
which isn't easy for me to do
it has never been easy for me to talk
without trying to soften or censor my words
but when i talk to you i tell it as best i can
just how it is
you are my first
my first guy friend i felt i could ever fully trust or confide in
i try not to talk about him to you
because he is the reason that
we are only friends
if he had not picked me up when i hid my broken heart
and loved me mending it softly
i would surly still love you
as much as i did like i did
though now i love you more as a friend
my hidden love would not be hidden
at least not from me
and maybe then we would have taken that step
but you stepped away
he stepped in
and i fell in love
even though his love is all that keeps me
from your arms
and his eyes are all that keep you
from my gaze
i can think of nothing that that would
break my love for him
or return me to you
please do not regret stepping away
for if nothing else you allowed me to find a new love
as you will find in time
and remember
i really do love you
if only as a friend

if matt is reading this don't be jelous or anything because i love
you it's just when me and david broke up i don't think i was ever
fully over him before we got together but i do know that my love for
you is so strong that i would never even dream of doing anything that
could ruin this. i not only love you but i am in love with you. and i
really hope you feel the same way too.