BlueEyes

OneSubjectObsession
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2003-03-08 17:57:43 (UTC)

Torn

I'm so messed up right now.

There's nothing but blind hope that keeps me persuing her
and yet I can't help but be optimistic about the whole
thing. I think it's everyone else's participation and
encouragment that's causing this distorted perception that
I'm willing myself not to believe. Cuz I can't. I can't
afford (emotionally) to let myself believe that she feels
even remotely the same as I do. I can't. All that will
end up happening is that I'll psych myself up for good
results and when she says she doesn't feel the same (I
don't think she'll freak out or anything) which is what I
figure she'll do anyway, I'll be devestated...and I think
I will be very angry at a couple of friends. Cuz unless
they know something I don't, there's nothing to indicate
that she feels anything towards be besides friendship.
Wanting to believe in something is a very powerful thing-
it's likened to schizophrenia...you start to read too far
into things-hearing voices that aren't there, seeing
things that don't exist...and when it's over-I'll have
given myself over to that.

Don't get me wrong. I want to tell her and will tell
her. But it wont be with the goal to do anything about my
relationship with her. I just feel tired of her not
knowing and I guess then I can leave the ball in her court
so to speak but I don't have any great hopes. Like
everyone wants me to tell her so that we can "be happy".
I'm sorry but no. Just because you're in love with them
and you tell them means SHIT. This is not one of those
romantic comedies that I despise so much, it's not all
happily ever after in the face of adversity where
everything works out all right. In movies everything works
out ok for them but this isn't Hollywood...just because I
like someone doesn't mean they have to like me back.
Reality check for all you out there!!!!!
sorry, semi bitter/confused...


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