the governor's house
last night was my last shift at work...it was really
weird. when i started i was so fucking emotional, i was
fighting back tears, questions about my mum and whether i
had seen D recently didn't help matters. but it got
better, and i was talking to sarah about what she's
packing and stuff, which got me more excited and made me
realise that i am leaving for a good reason.
i set myself the goal of completing 13 weeks work there,
and i have done it...and i felt proud of myself, because
for the first time in a long time i have been able to
fight my illness and win over it.
that place has been really good for me, and the people
there, well, i can't thank them enough. they don't realise
it, because they don't know the circumstances leading up
to it, but they've helped pull me through. they have kept
me going through a really shit time, when without it, i
think all the issues i've been trying to face over the
last few months would have eventually killed me.
literally, i mean.
i feel like i've gained more confidence...not self-
confidence as such, but just the confidence to know that i
can survive in an environment where no one knows anything
about my past. i guess in a way it's knowing that i *can*
still pretend...in durham i lost it, and the mask slipped,
but it's ok, but i can still use it when i need to. i
don't want to, and i really HATE always living a lie but i
suppose it's the way it has to be sometimes.
there's always a fight over who will ring last
orders...but last night danny told me it was mine...and he
then made sure i rang at the very end...i was in the
middle of serving chris but it got to 11 o'clock and i
held onto the bell waiting for the lights to go down, then
i rang it and they all cheered!!! i was just like oh my
god oh my god, oh shit, that's really it, i'm really
going...OH MY GOD! it was such a mixed feeling, but when
they cheered, my god it made it all worthwile. and
although i know it isn't why they were cheering, i
just took it as other people being proud of me for what
i've done. and it was good, i felt worth something.
i said goodbye to chris, and thanked him for everything he
has done to help me get sorted over the past few months. i
couldn't have done it without him. he said he'll send some
e-mails with alan, so that i have something waiting for me
when i arrive. they're so good to me, i don't deserve it.
on wednesday night i said that they'd forget about me straight
away, but they promised they wouldn't. chris gave me such
a big hug, told me it was the right thing to do and to
take care and look after myself...i really hope they DON'T
forget about me.
we had a laugh when we were clearing up, H and Danny were
making me laugh so hard i couldn't breathe! it was good,
and a nice way to finish.
it's my leaving party tonight, it should be ok, i feel
really paranoid today though, like everyone is out to get
me. they probably are.