2003-03-08 10:01:24 (UTC)

is there no one who can save me

is there no one that can save us from today? anyway, im
becoming all too aware about how my mind functions. and its
very depressing. no matter how much logic, force, wisdom,
advice, etc i give myself, the guilt is there. it is very
compulsory. there is no way to remove it. it is so
incredibly automatic, its 2nd nature. all these years of
repressing happiness, its so imprinted in my head. i really
do think that its a physical, not mental, disease. too much
of one chemical/hormone, etc. thats the only real
explanation. and pills are the all around best answer. but
i refuse, still. stubborness, i guess. but everything has
become so insanely worthless to me. nothing has value
anymore. ive become david thrussel of snog. except for one
thing, he believes in love, for the most part. for some
reason, im uncapable of real compassion or love of
anything. i think that its just from so many years of
denying myself happiness that i lost the ability to love.
im just so cold and heartless, i never really have any
emotions, im detached from myself. i can only feel pain. i
know this sounds like goth shit, but its so true. its a
shitty life. the worst part is that ill have to live with
this for the rest of my life. i was born with it, and ive
had it ever since. there is no escape. there is no hope
left for me. there is nothing left in this world to believe
in. isolationism is the only thing i can look forward to.
absolute boycotting of life. i need to start cutting again.
its one of the few choices left to possibly recover. ive
exhausted all other options. i think that cutting will be a
good exhaust and release for my self-hatred. it will at
least turn my mental pain into physical pain. any other
pain is better than mental pain. i would give up anything
for peace of mind. just to have control of my own thoughts
would be priceless. ive become too paranoid and
schizophrenic. i have waaay too many conversations in my
head. i think its becoming unnatural. i usually pick a
side, start talking, and my subconscious or whoever is in
my head automatically talks back, without me even trying.
maybe im going insane, maybe its all too normal. though the
ironic part is that if it turns out that this is all normal
behaviour, i would be disappointed, since i went through
all these theories and concluesion, and to have them dashed
away would be so wasteful. but thats just the dyslexia
talking. fuck, i hate the dyslexia. when i should feel
good, i feel bad, when i should feel bad, i feel apathetic.
there is no joy in my life at all, everything contributes
to my pain, why why why why y y y y yy y y y y y y y y y y
y y y y y y y y yy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. this isn't fair. i want a reason.
i need reasons in my life. i have no purpose, without a
purpose, there is no reason for anything. all my values
dispell values themselves, so i have no motivation, no
purpose, no reason for anything. cutting will bring me
closer to the truth. hopefully this will be like a previous
theory that when i cut myself, i cut my subconscious in
this 'war'. this war is very much for real, i think. its
all a huge setup. (way too parranoid). i find everything
that was made to make me happy, and either my subconscoius
or i turn it against myself, saying that it was made to
destroy me, and i should destory it. this is how killers
are made. im really scared that this insane hatred for
everything will make me into a killer. i actually reason
with myself to randomly kill, like all the documentaries,
movies, etc, its identical to my thoughts. its sick.
hopefully this aspect is just a stage. then again, i have
always wanted to kill mercury a lot of the time. who knows,
look how fucked i am, i am worthless, i am a flaw, i have
no positive values, this whole charade is useless, i am
ridiculous, everything is wrong with me, if im wrong about
something, im wrong. its all falling apart. everything is
falling apart. crumbling down down down
down down