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2003-03-08 07:29:23 (UTC)

end of the line

i guess that emptiness doesn't sustain its appeal for very
long. after feeling the emptiness for awhile, and enjoying
it, i now have a big void that needs to be filled.

something is missing. i think i lack friendship. i lack
sociability. but it is my own fault. i close people out.
and i keep people away from me who i know really care
about me. i'd like for once, to honestly be able to say to
someone, "i trust you." but i can't. and it hurts me when
people take it personally, because i want to be able to
trust people with my feelings, and be able to talk to
someone. anyone. but i just can't do it. i'm just weird
like that.

i also feel really weird when people compliment me, or are
too nice to me. i know that sounds really strange, but i
just don't like it. whenever someone is nice to me, i feel
like they're being nice out of pity for me and my sad sorry
life. but then, i don't like people who are mean either.
that makes me cry.... actually it doesn't, but it hurts.

sorry about writing all this crap, i am just really really
bored right now. and when i am bored, i think about things
too much.

right now, i just feel empty still, and i don't like it
anymore. my playmate is kind of starting to put distance
between us. we're losing interest.... wow, that was a
short "relationship", if you want to call it that? but
yeah. i felt uncomfortable and awkward when we were
together. but at the same time, i was so aroused. it
doesn't make any sense. and now i am empty in my "love
life". yet again...

supposedly people tell me that all these guys like me. but
i just don't believe it at all. first of all, i am
extremely strange. most people i think just keep their
distance from me. and second, if all these people like me,
then why aren't they saying anything to uhhh... ME? duh.
ahhh, it's a load of shit if you ask me. i think my friends
are just trying to make me feel better about my lame love
life. ha, it doesn't even deserve to be called that...

god, why am i so afraid of people? i say i'm empty, and
that i lack friendship, but then, i barely give people a
chance to become a good friend. just when they start to get
to know me, boom. i get this impulse to just move on. i
don't mean to do it! aaahhh! my mind has a mind of its own.
wait. what? ahhh, i confuse myself sometimes. i realize
that now, people who read this are going to probably not be
my friend anymore. but that's okay. whatever.

random thoughts:
tomorrow is the dumb gala for cosa. arg
i haven't made out with a boy in awhile, any volunteers?
dimple is an evil witch
juli loves going to the zoo and stalking ____ on her pogo
lamby and little bunny foo foo! wee!