Virgin_Suicide

My wrists r crying red.
2003-03-07 23:00:10 (UTC)

Another fucked up teenager.


I have reached singledom again. And now that I am half way
there to getting over Matt, I realise that being single
sux...man it SO does. I really want sum 1 2 love me, to
care. Sum 1 I can trust to never let me down or leave me.
But hey - thats 1 of the soul purposes of life for most
ppl - to find love..Im no different 2 n e 1 else.

Talking about being different, I noticed 2day that I am
ordinary. Before hand I always thought I was in sum way
different 2 most people. Different because I saw life from
a different perspective, almost as if I was still daddy's
lil girl, the girl that thought she was a beautiful
princess.

Now Im a teenager. Even when I was a teenager because I am
depressed a lot, I thought that in sum way, it made me
spcl. That only a select ppl were involved in this 'club'
and it was only the members of this club that could
understand one another. Now that I am back on
antidepressents and I see happiness in the horizon, I
realise that will make me more or less ordinary. And
there's nothing worse than being ordinary. If u r
ordinary, u r just another statistic.

And that is what I have realised that I am. A statistic.
Another angry teenager carrying on with her pathetic
routine, wishing that she was prettier and brainier and
more confident blah blah blah. Borin stuff - ordinary
stuff.

Well Im away now, Bella's stayin over again 2nite and I
dont know wot shes got up 2....beta b a good hostess...shes
been actin weird tonite, like shes in a real grumpy mood..I
dont like it when she's like that..It worries me bcos I
think she has sumthing on her mind but she never tell me n
e thing like that, its just always me going on bout how fed
up of life I am. Sometimes I dont think Im a v gd frend.

Damn, here's me babling on again...Right it really is
goodbye this time, cya xox

~~~~~

I logged on to Msn messenger and Matt msg'd me. I didnt
realise he was online because I had deleted him, this was
one of getting-over-him processes. I thought I had blocked
him aswell. N e way, he was acting like a right prat,
saying "Cheese cake is tasty..mmmmm." And saying "This is
funny." All i wrote bk was "..." The msg bein 2 him that
I was not amused. Then I sed, "I want u 2 stop telling
every1 wot we did 2gether and say it wasnt true." I added
at the end, "I want 2 4get, not b reminded." Hopefully
that caused him atleast a moment of slight hurt.

He sed OK as long as you stop telling ppl that I have an
STD, I sed I didnt but I would 'stop.' I dont think I did
tel ppl, I told sum of my frends he mite have 1, which was
tue..o yeh, I'l need 2 tel u that story after this convo.
Then he sed, I want 2 b frends again, Im sozzy, and I g2g.
I sed, Im glad u sed that and its ok..as long as u do wot i
sed. He left.

Now I have mixed emotions. Before that convo I strongly
disliked him and felt like I had been used. My frend sed
that may b all he used me for was sex, I thought this a
possibility. That convo we just had means that I ment
atleast a lil sumthing 2 him, enough for him want 2 make
his peace with me. But it was still a bad break-up - with
his new gf and all the confusion of y we broke up in the
1st place etc etc.

So, the story of his dick....Well about 2 weeks b4 we
stopped going out he woke up 1 morning with a red, swollen
dick. He had to tel his stepdad, which involved telling
him that we had sex, which was not sumthing he would av
done under ordinary circumstances. So his stepdad told his
mum and she went mEnTaL. She probably h8s me now, but I
dont care bcos Matt's frend Lee told me that his mum sed
she couldnt believe he would go out with a girl that cuts
herself - how.....nice? More like, how immature and naive.

N e way, he went 2 the DRs and the DR sed he had either an
infection, was allergic 2 condoms or he had an STD.
Thankfully, his Mum promised she wouldnt say n e thing 2 my
dad unless it was an STD..but since we broke up I didnt
hear n e more of it, which was gd news 2 me bcos it ment it
was not an STD *phew*. I asked him tonight wot happened
with it, and he sed it had just disappeared. Good news.
It kinda also felt nice that we were talking about sumthing
personal that happened between us...I guess I still miss
him but we're over and even if he wanted 2 go bk out, which
he doesnt, I would say no because of how much he hurt me.

I mean, it was my 1st time 4 godsake. It was s'posed 2 b
spcl, it was at first now Im just filled with deep regret.
I feel dirty, like all boys want me 4 is for my vagina..I
feel like a right slapper. I want sex as well though,
which is weird considering I think Im a tart. But I get 2
emotionally attached 2 things easily so being a slapper
doesnt suit my personality..... :S





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