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2003-03-07 07:06:29 (UTC)

frustrated with the old, excited about the new

Sorta a lame title, I know, but its really what this entry
is going to be about, so there you go. There has been SOOOO
much stuff on my mind lately, that I just have to get it
all out.
First of all, let me just say that when I get into a
relationship of any kind, (Im mainly addressing
friendships)...I guess you could say that Im a very
trusting person, and when people get to know me, I let
them "in" pretty easily. what I mean is, I sortof put
myself out there in that I put my heart into my
relationships with people - and I dont question the motive
behind the situation. So, when I find out that people
havent been honest with me, it really hurts. I mean REALLY
hurts. I just wish that people could just be real. and not
be manipulative, and conniving, and deceitful. maybe thats
just a naiive desire, but If people were just honest with
eachother, things would be a lot easier, I think.
One of the worst things that a person can do (that is not
illegal) is make a statement about something important, and
then turn right around and do something that completely
contradicts what they previously said. Especially if what
they said was something very important to you. Things like
that are really un-necessary, and let down people that care
about you. I was very let down by several people around me,
that I care very much for recently. Im not mad at them,
just disappointed and sad with them. I just felt like they
didnt actually care about me at all, and had alterior
motives for getting to know me. I dont want to have to
question my friendships and other relationships! I guess Im
too trusting. If people say something to me, and seem
sincere about it, the thought doesnt even cross my mind
that they could be not telling the truth. I wish people
were real! So many times, people put up these facades that
are nothing like who they really are. I hate that. I wish
people were honest. I keep saying that, but if I wrote it
everytime I thought it, that phrase would be inserted
between every word. "be true, be true, be true" (thats the
theme for one of the books Im reading right now, and I dont
think anyone could put it better.)So I guess what Im saying
with all of this is that im really frustrated with the old
habits of people being "fake" and Im ready to just say good
riddance. I dont like being sad. Im a generally happy
On the other hand, Im excited and scared and nervous all at
the same time for what is to come in about 4 months. in
aproximately 4 months, my entire life will change! I will
be moving away from home, and be out on my own in the real
world. Ill be taking rad dance classes and voice lessons,
and really doing what I love, and I cant even express to
you how excited I am for that. In the meantime, Im starting
to take dance classes at a studio here, and I went to one
tonight and it was soooo cool. I was so excited! I cant
wait for my next one. dancing really makes me happy. and
singing! oh man. singing is my love. I love it becuase I
can express sooo much with it. ohhh I love it. I dont know
what I would do if music were not a part of my life! Im
learning these beautiful songs with my teacher and Im
really happy about that! I like going to my lessons and
just singing my heart out. great stuff.
Bottom line: Some people really disappoint me, but its
okay, becuase I can look past that, and forgive and forget,
but just know that I maybe cannot trust them as much in the
future, and Im really excited for what is to come. I know
that God has a good plan for me. Goodnight.

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