lekkerdien

Single and Fabulous?
2003-03-07 06:22:37 (UTC)

First draft, comments welcome

So I've been very introspective lately. I have just
surrounded myself with my thoughts. A reoccurring theme
during this has been my romantic life. I admit that I am an
odd person, but I seem to be so far out of the loop on this
that it's kindof scary. I have come to some conclusions, I
think, but first, let's get a little background.

I don't have emotions. While this is probably not strictly
true, I don't actively incorporate them into my life and my
decisions. When dealing with people who I am "supposed" to
feel things for, I tend to be cold and distant. Not good.

In past relationships, I think that I have felt things. I
remember feeling things, I think. It's all very ambiguous.
I was sure that I just had no emotional response to the
people I had dated. Recently, I decided that this is not
true. I remember rushing home to see if the Marine had
called. I remember waking my mom up at 2 AM to cry to her
when the frat boy first broke up with me. I remember
freaking out worrying that I had pissed off the Jew. This
leads us to conclusion number one:

I believe that emotions are a sign of weakness.

In this belief, I try to pretend that I don't feel things.
This causes problems with everyone around me. I can't admit
to others that I am attached to someone. I can't even admit
it to myself. I can only imagine how painful this must be
to people who (I assume, since they tell me that they) feel
things for me. They can never be sure if I reciprocate
their feelings. The problems I cause boys does not stop at
this. I continue to hurt them. And we've come to conclusion
number two:

Physical relationships are extremely difficult for me.

Somewhere I have the belief that all boys look at me as a
sexual object, and nothing else. (The cause of this is, as
yet, unknown, since my self-esteem has always been
ridiculously low) In relationships, I have a difficult time
believing that the other person is actually fond of me. In
searching for validation, I get thrown when the other
person tries to touch me. Their desire for a physical
relationship, to me, is proof-positive that the boy is only
out to get laid, and I am merely the one that said "yes." I
can't believe that someone would want to talk to me and
have a physical relationship with me. Accepting one is hard
enough, but both is beyond me. This is a personal issue,
but, being me, I tend to carry it into every situation.
Though I don't let on exactly what is wrong, boys are not
idiots. They tend to notice if the girl who's sleeping over
starts crying in the middle of a tryst.

So what's a girl to do? Get over it. And we're working on
it. But this gets my over active little mind to work on
other problems. The standard marrying age is quickly
approaching. Many people I know are already discussing
forever with their significant others. Suppose that LSE
does work out and I get to go there for grad school. Any
relationship that I may be in at the point will undoubtedly
end. If London does not go according to plan (ie, I do not
find a nice, pale Brit to bring home to Mom and I am not
able to find an actual job to enable a permanent move), I
will be stuck running back to the States in search of a
job. By that point, one year out of college, many of people
are coupled up and discussing forever (if they haven't
already taken the plunge). Suddenly, I'm 23 and stuck as an
old maid, who has lost contact with her pals in the year
she was overseas and is essentially alone and will be for
the rest of her life, since married couples don't like to
socialize with singles. A little extreme? Yes, but this is
what I do. Luckily, just before I completely broke down, I
found my third and final conclusion. Close your eyes, make
a wish, breathe:

Everything will work out the way that it's supposed to.

Though I do stop short of "the one" philosophy that is
popular among women, I do believe that there is something
bigger than me out there. Considering how much blame I
place on myself for every little thing, I consider this
final leap quite monumental, and encouraging for the rest
of my (much needed) development. But, I digress.

Looking back at my life, things have kindof flowed along a
relatively happy path. When my majors weren't working, and
I was flipping out, a caring teacher pointed me down a path
that I truly enjoy and have been very successful at. To
generalize, doors have closed, but others have been opened
as a result. Opportunities have come and gone, but there
are often signs that I need to be in one place or another.

A perfect example was my first visit to Chicago to see my
brother. We transferred El trains at the Fullerton stop and
faced a building had "DePaul University" in giant letters
on the side. My brother commented "you should go to
DePaul." I initially ignored his comment, but two years
later, I enrolled. Without this school, I might not have
found my major, my friends, my Sejal. If I had gone to a
corn college, I might not have ever known how happy the
city makes me. Of course I have doubts, that's kindof the
theme of this whole essay. But if I can find happiness at a
little Catholic Liberal Arts college that is filled to the
brim with spoiled yuppies, anything is possible. Even love.

I'm not going to go completely off the deep end and claim
that "signs are everywhere," but I think that when you need
them most they are right in front of your face. And the
more you need them, the bigger they are. If in a truly
desperate situation, the universe will do its best to guide
you out of it. We don't need to go searching for every
little coincidence, but don't walk around with your eyes on
the ground either. And sometimes you do need to listen to
your big brother.




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