All That I Am
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2003-03-07 03:54:15 (UTC)

Whispered Secrets

Germany 198?...Zanata left me in the bedroom, in the dark,
for almost the entire day....can't remember why....Germany
198?....Zanata watched as Joseph and I fought in her
room...Joseph punched me in the eye....she congratulated
him. Germany 198?...Zanata told Joseph to hit me in the
stomach for accidently making Manny's gums bleed.

Zanata was my babysitter back in Germany. I can't remember
the exact years...between 1986-1987. I can't remember her
after Amond was born. Frank was Zanata's husband and was a
very angry man. Joseph was her son, about my age and Manny
was a year old I think but I can't remember. Manny had
something in his mouth, some toy, and I pulled it out real
fast and I accidently cut his gums. Zanata flipped out and
then told Joseph that he shouldn't let me get away with
hurting his brother and to defend he hit
me....and she rewarded him. Zanata is evil. She called my
mom some time last year and I was thinking about her again
today. It took my mom by suprise because she hadn't heard
from her in a very long time. Along with Mrs. Harvin,
Zanata is the only other person that I can say I honestly
hate. If I saw her or Frank (I want to call him Kenney for
some reason, maybe his name was Kenney) again I don't know
what I would do, probably flip out and attack them. They
weren't as bad as the Harvin's, but they're still just
rotten people....people like that don't change, they just
stay evil.

I don't know why I started thinking of them again. I was
sitting here trying to think of something to write about
and all of a sudden my mind just jumped back to Germany. As
bad as it sounded though, Zanata didn't leave as big as
scars as Mrs. Harvin did. Maybe because she was when I was
really young and couldn't comprehend half the shit she did
to me. And maybe that's why I get so pissed about it now
becuase I do know. When she told Joseph to hit me because
of what had happened to Manny, I felt so ashamed and I know
I was crying before all that because I thought I killed the
poor boy. Instead of her calming the situation like an
adult, she tells Joseph to beat me up? Keep in mind too the
woman was like 30 something. I just don't understand why
there are people in the world like her. I remember telling
my mom back then that Zanata and Frank/Kenney talked about
her behind her back too and my mom confronted them with me
there and they played the innocent role and said I must
have been mistaken, all the while Kenney/Frank was staring
me down. After that I just kept it secret.

As I'm reading about Buddhism and karma and whatnot, I
wonder if it really is true and then what would happen to
people like that. One punishment for having a shitty,
immoral life is that you come back as an animal. Animals
are looked down in Buddhism because they don't possess
intelligence and they can't reach a higher plane of
spiritual awareness (not exactly Dalai's words but same
difference). People that hurt me in school and throughout
life don't really register with me anymore. I can't even
remember their name or face. The next step in my personal
growth is not to let all the rotten people of world get to
me. At this job especially, there's so much gossip and
bullshit being said it's just pathetic. You have men and
women in their 40's and 50's working here that have
master's degrees and whatnot and all you hear them talking
about in the breakroom is "This person did this and oh! did
you hear what Irene said about that person." It's just
ridiculous. I'm making a conscious decision to rise above
it and when people spew it at me to just ignore it, smile
and nod my head.

Anywho, just needed to vent. There's just too much drama. I
don't think there's anything else to say for today so I'm
going to go and chow down. Later.

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