Amnesia

dude
2003-03-07 02:06:36 (UTC)

naseaus/ dizzy...

Can't spell nauseaus, and dizzy.

Ever since Saturday, my seizure, I've been weak, off-
balance, dizzy, and constantly nauseaus. I've also been
hearing this constant beep sound in my ears. Like you hear
something but it's not really there. I wish it would stop.

Today was a busy day. French Club dance practice in the
morning. Arthur woke up late so I had to rush. Then school.
Felt nauseaus and dizzy around 3rd. After school finding
out info on the play auditions coming up. Then
automatically hurrying for freestreet so that I can still
eat drink and pee comfortably without a hurry before we
start doing our thing, so that I'm not exhausted and yet
again dizzy and nauseaus. We cleaned today, the little
theater like thing we work in, so I got n and d. It sucked.
I couldn't do shit at the end.

I feel like bursting into tears very freaquently because I
just realized something. When I was off the drugs, I was
smarter. I was believe it or not, myself. Sure I was
snappier, but that's just cause life is unfair. I was doing
better in school and everywhere. I loved it. I hate life
now. I just can't seem to catch up. I feel like saying this
to someone, but I know what they would say: Why don't you
just stay home? This is what I would say: And do what? Just
me and my brain again? Oh no. Not again, never again.
Believe it or not it is better feeling dizzy and nauseaus
on a daily basis then having to make up work, not having
enough time to make up work, not being able to make up
work, being kicked out of french club after putting so much
time and effort into it. Trying to catch up for French
club. WHERE WAS I? I HATE THIS. ILOSE MYSESLF SO EASILY AND
i DON'T CARE IF I MISPEL ANYMORE. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER
MUCH. I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND THIS MUTE SOUND IN MY EARSISN'T
HELPING AT ALL.

MY MOM IS PISSED AT ME, I HATE HER. CAN'T WAIT TIL. i MOVE
OUT. I CAN'T WAIT TILL GERMANY, I CAN'T WAIT TILL LIFE. i
WANT LIFE WITH PEOPLE, ACTUAL PEOPLE. DON'T CARE WHERE,
JUST NOT THEM. WE CAN WORK OUR PROBLEMS OUT. I HATE HER.
HAD ENOUGH OF HER RASCISM, SEXISM, SARCASM, AND BITCHINES.
UNFAIRNESS IS WORST OF ALL. I HATE HER,

I WANT THAT SCHOLARSHIP TO COLUMBIA, THE FULL PAYED ONE. I
WANT AIDRIANA TO BE MY ROOMMATE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT JOB TO
HAVE. ANYTHING. I'M NOT SURE ABOUT MASSAGE ANYMORE, SIMPLY
BECAUSE LIFE SUCKS, AND THE ONLY REASON I KEEP LIVING IS
CAUSE PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME. BECAUSE THERE ARE THINGS TO DO,
ADN PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO BE THERE AND HAVE THERE BACK.
UNFORTUNATELY NOT EVERYONE GETS THAT PART THEY NEVER REALLY
HAVE MINE. ONLY LIKE 6 PEOPLE CAME FOR FRENCH CLUB TODAY.
THAT'S AB0UT 1/2. I BOUGHT THE COSTUME IT'S COLL. I NEED TO
BUY ACCESORIES AND SHIT.

MAYBE I JUST FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE I TELL MY SELF THAT. i
HOPE NOT. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS. mAYBE IT'S JUST
SOMETHING TO PASS THE TIME WITH UNTIL i GRADUATE AND MOVE
OUT. HOPEFULLY MY PLANS WILL WORK OUT THIS TIME. GOOD THING
IT'S JUST LIKE 9 MORE MONTHS OR SO TILL IT MIGHT ACUTALLY
HAPPEN,.