My ONly desire
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2003-03-07 00:05:48 (UTC)


MyOnlyDesire1555: Hi
MyOnlyDesire1555: wuts up
Death by Dezire: brb
MyOnlyDesire1555: ok
Death by Dezire: nothing much
MyOnlyDesire1555: yea i feel like im having a break down
right now
MyOnlyDesire1555: It's really weird, when i got to Kitty's
church her pastor wanted to pray for me, but he was
praying for someone else, well when he was finished and
came over to pray for me like he said everything i've been
goign through, like mentioning you and tiffany and all the
stress i've been feeling and my hate for religion...i
started to cry i dont know why but i did. he asked if i
loved god i said i dont know and he tryed to get me to
accept jesus in my heart but i couldnt
MyOnlyDesire1555: and i feel realy weird, sorry im shur
u'r not really paying attention but i needed to type it
Death by Dezire: I'm reading
Death by Dezire: Why couldn't you?
Death by Dezire: because you were afraid of what your
friends thought?
MyOnlyDesire1555: NO
MyOnlyDesire1555: sorry
MyOnlyDesire1555: no not that, its just i cant
MyOnlyDesire1555: i don believe it
Death by Dezire: Don't believe what?
MyOnlyDesire1555: in god
Death by Dezire: oh
MyOnlyDesire1555: i cant theres somethign holding me back,
its like its all a dream
Death by Dezire: Theres more to life than nothing.
MyOnlyDesire1555: and i hate it!
MyOnlyDesire1555: i know
Death by Dezire: There has to be a reason we're here you
know? that's how i know.
Death by Dezire: I know there is a God, because I have you
and Tiffy and Lairen.
MyOnlyDesire1555: i dont have nothing i have stress pain
hate (no love) all of these things
MyOnlyDesire1555: a god?
MyOnlyDesire1555: yea
MyOnlyDesire1555: well then wut about the stress
MyOnlyDesire1555: i asked him before
MyOnlyDesire1555: i've prayed he wont answer
Death by Dezire: He's not going to give you signs or
MyOnlyDesire1555: i know, i just nothing seems to get
Death by Dezire: It may not seem like it. But look.
MyOnlyDesire1555: The pastor said so much, he mentioned a
time when i was crying for like 5 hours and more because
of pain i was feeling between friends and relationship
religion god
MyOnlyDesire1555: go ahead
Death by Dezire: You don't need to cry because of
confusion over religion.
MyOnlyDesire1555: not that
MyOnlyDesire1555: it was just i lost it, i feel nothing
but emptiness
MyOnlyDesire1555: i hate it, i hate feel alone i hate
feeling empty, maybe thats why i flirt so much and why i
hurt so much when someone leaves me
MyOnlyDesire1555: i dont know i sound so self-centered
dont i
Death by Dezire: Explain your emptiness, write it down in
this chat box. Don't even think about what your writing
just let your feelings do the typing.
MyOnlyDesire1555: im trying but u see i feel like no one
is REALLY and TRULEY there for me, that there there for
the show the act and that they really dotn care. going
through school being told my looks get all my Bf not my
personality that im a bitch and a hoe that nothing is
right with me, it bugs me, then when i break up with
someone thinking "hey its the right thing to do" i see
that person i feel for them still...yet im empy cause i
cant do ne thing about it, a lot...my brother jacob and me
i miss him a lot but we never had a relationship, he's in
the war right now in kuwait and i miss him and i feel as
if i never got to know him
MyOnlyDesire1555: and my dad and mom seem so wuts the word
well they seem to care so much for lizzie
MyOnlyDesire1555: and all her accomplishments that wut i
do is litttle i feel empy without the love...i never feel
love i feel hate and judgement...and it makes me feel a
lone and not wanted and empty
Death by Dezire: how do you feel now that you said all
MyOnlyDesire1555: i usually keep everythign to
myself...just cause id ont wanna bring everyone down
around me. i wanna make them be happy...and not worry bout
me...so i break down by myself no one here alone...empty
unloved hated and judged...and it breaks me up
inside...god never seems to be there ne more...like he
abandoned me so i cant just give myself to him, everyone
says i cant not go out with ne one for a year because im
too much of a flirt and stuff like that
MyOnlyDesire1555: i still feel like shit...i need
something right now i dont know what or who just something
MyOnlyDesire1555: guys seem to take me for granted because
of my size...i know im talking about guys not you.....but
ne ways they touch my ass and i tell them to stop but no
they just keep doing it pretending i didnt say ne thing
Death by Dezire: You have no idea how much i want to hold
you in my arms right now and tell you everythings going to
be already. But we're always seperated by ruels and
regulations. If there was a way I could Take all your pain
and palce it on my own burden I could.But even I have to
fess up to the fact. taht if I was to take on some one
elses burden, I wouldn't be able to move on with my life.
Guys are assholes. Inconsiderate assholes.
Death by Dezire: They don't don't what your going through
so they expect you to be normal. when your seperated from
everybody else because of a damned gap that you jsut can't
cross without some kind of bridge.
Death by Dezire: You can't find that bridge because All
the people that know what they are doing are on the other
side of the gap.
Death by Dezire: and You can't do it yourself because
your afraid you'll look stupid. and the people on the
other side will point and laugh at you.
Death by Dezire: wlel you know what?
Death by Dezire: Screw those guys. Your on your own side.
Death by Dezire: It's not you that's stranded.
Death by Dezire: It's them.
Death by Dezire: on an overcrowded Island.
MyOnlyDesire1555: yea i know and i just feel
alone...tonight...i felt i dont know weird...at both
churches...even with my friends i felt weird...the only
one who really seemed after Ktty's church to be there was
tiffany she understood
MyOnlyDesire1555: yea forreal
MyOnlyDesire1555: but times i wish i could be over there
they seem so happy
Death by Dezire: But they're ignorant.
Death by Dezire: they are ignorant to the fact that other
people feel pain
Death by Dezire: that other people feel loneliness and
Death by Dezire: But they are on their own isle.
Death by Dezire: and they can't see you crying and sobbing
your eyes out on the other side.
Death by Dezire: i mean bawling no sobbing
MyOnlyDesire1555: i know...i hate it...i am week i will
admit that when it comes to guys i cant support myself...i
turn to others...own island...ignorent...maybe its best to
be like that
MyOnlyDesire1555: i cry all the time
MyOnlyDesire1555: i wish i didnt...i hate crying it never
helps makes me feel worse
Death by Dezire: I'm on the same island as you.
Death by Dezire: As long as we stay together nothing can
take us apart.
Death by Dezire: Tiffy and me.
Death by Dezire: we're both there for you.
Death by Dezire: Even if we have problems of our own.
Death by Dezire: I know it sounds corny but at least we
have each other to cry to.
MyOnlyDesire1555: i know that i just sometimes feel as if
i dont wanna bring u guys donw and put more on yoru guys
MyOnlyDesire1555: yea
MyOnlyDesire1555: i guess
Death by Dezire: You can't bring us anymore down than we
already are.
Death by Dezire: We ALL have our problems. And each
problem is different. No matter How close your friends are
it seems not even your closest of buddies can understand.
Death by Dezire: But they'll listen.
MyOnlyDesire1555: yea i knwo...it just hurts someties
MyOnlyDesire1555: it seemed so weird how the pastor new
wut i went through

that was a really weird night, when i got home tiffany and
Jt were on...they were a big help too...and it was cool to
have someone to talk to...tiffany's biday was fun! hehe we
went to TIff's house then CiCi's Pizza then back to her
house...it was cool. now she's finlaly 13 omg we have a
band festival coming up in like uhmm i dont know april 4th
though!!! arg! i have to pass off a bunch of music...ok
well i gotta go
much love

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