emicle

random scribbles
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2003-03-06 23:47:31 (UTC)

just when you thought you were totally alone

[music - something corporate - mood - basically depressed
to hell, but with a little hope]

thanks harry.

--: why would u turn into an emotional wreck?
metwp: i dont know, just feeling weird at the moment in
general, i have that feeling where.... theres all these
things you want to feel but you're not letting yourself
kind of thing?
metwp: does that make any sense at all?
--: ummm... a bit and then not really :-)
metwp: hehe...yeah...it makes sense in my head :-)
--: is something upsetting you at the moment?
metwp: yeah....kind of....i'm not precisely sure what though
metwp: its upset me that i cant stand anna a any more,
because i used to consider her a really good friend, and it
upsets me that i cant stand to be around the people who are
supposedly meant to be my best friends..... i dont know
metwp: stuff like that
--: oh that is a lot of stuff, i would be feeling off about
all of that too. The anna a thingy, dont get too upset over
it beause its not just you its everyone, she is just being
particularly obnoxious at the moment... hopefully she'll
get over herself soon... shes kind of acting like she doesn
value anyones friedships but soon she'll realsie that we
all about to leave school and no one likes her and then
shell do something about it
metwp: yeah i know
--: but who cant you stand to be around? obviously not lucy
and nudge cause they are maybe coming tomorrow, but is it
the others?
metwp: its not so much a particular person its just in
general
metwp: this isnt true with lucy at all....
metwp: just the whole weekend in devon really clarified
things for me
metwp: alana and vicky are perfectly nice people but i dont
want to spend time with them really
metwp: its just when theyre all together i cant stand them -
as a group - including nudge and lucy
--: really? maybe its just at the moment, because you;ve
never really felt like that before, have u?
--: and as for alana etc, you dont need to sepnd lots of
time with them to be their friends... or even have anything
in common...
metwp: i know
--: as for the being in a large group of them, if you feel
like that at the mo it may change and if not we're all
leaving soon and then it wont hapen so often which means
when it does it will proabably be a lot better...
metwp: yeah i know
metwp: i'm just being really dumb
metwp: i just wanted these last few months together to be
special
--: no, you're not at all being dumb
--: I would feel exactly the same as you...
and about wanting these last few months to be special - i
do to but thats not going to happen and its really
disappointing for me too...
metwp: with who...or just in general?
--: so i can see why you're down and you have every right
to be..
--: well especially with anna a, but then just in
general... i kind of have come to the realsiation that i
really properly like only 4 of my friends...
--: but i think i'm probably just being irrational, u know?
it just makes things seem a bit lonely at the moment, but
i'm being silly and i'll get over it
metwp: i feel the exact same way as you
metwp: i just feel really, really lonely
metwp: ok.......time for teen angst!!!.....i just feel like
i don't fit in anywhere
metwp: god that was such a 13 year old thing to say
metwp: oh well
--: :-)
--: i really know what you mean though...
--: maybe its just this time at school ,maybe everyone is
feeling like this...
metwp: but i dont notice anyone else feeling like this
metwp: most people i talk to seem to be like "aaargh im
gonna miss everyone, i love all my friends so much, et cetc"
--: i know, and then i start thinking i really dont know if
i will miss all my friends, i dont even konw if i'm going
to keep in touch with half of them...
--: and then it gets depressing and then i feel sad etc
metwp: no its true
--: but you and me are the only people thinking it....
metwp: i mean i more want to keep in touch with, say flo
and isobel, than like alana or vicky or even chloe to be
honest
metwp: it seems to me like we are
metwp: and feeling discontent with the situation at present
makes me very reflective about the "good old days"
--: i know and they were so good as well
metwp: yeah they really really were
--: i think this situation that i dont really have the
inclination to keep in touch with ppl is making me question
how many real firneds i actually have, you know?
metwp: yes definitely
metwp: and it makes me wonder if i'll just go through life
making temporary friends and its a very depressing thought
--: yeah i know, and the wondering if you'll ever make good
enough friends at uni to ever have this type of
converstaion with....
ever be able to make new friends that know you really
really well...
metwp: who you can quote lines from a film and they'll get
it...
metwp: who know that when you say "i live to bake" you
actually mean it :-)
--: yeah! :-)
metwp: who accept the fact that you screw up lots
metwp: you know...
metwp: everything like that

thank god for this conversation. i just needed
understanding. and i got it. it makes life a lot easier. i
cried the whole way through this. the music i'm listening
to doesnt help too much :)

i still couldn't bring myself to say the words "i miss
billy so much it's constant pain" maybe tomorrow when ive
got a few drinks down me. it's not fair to my friends, its
not fair to me, i have to go to sleep, i dont do well on
little sleep.

******************************
it's getting harder and harder
to breathe
it's getting easier and easier
to convince everyone that i'm okay.
***********************************



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