Barely Hanging On, About to Let Go
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2003-03-06 23:15:31 (UTC)

I think im going crazy

I'm not even kidding. I have been having the worst days
lately. And its not even me, its other people who just make
me feel like shit.
i dont even no ppl and they make judgements by the way i
look. they dont know how i act, how i am, what my
personalitys like. and im not conceited but i really think
im a cool person. i can understand ppl and i like talking
to them.
the friends i have though are awesome. they make me feel
special and actually WANTED somewhere. ppl think its funny
to make fun of me. and actually i dont really care, im laug
WITH them. but it happens constantly and sometimes it gets
to a point where i dont even think that their kidding
it just makes it harder with the whole religion thing. no
guyz no sleepovers(which is gay cuz its not even part of
our religion my parents are fucks) no LIFE basically. and
every1 just clicks so much out of school, and ive been
trying so much more to make an effort to keep in touch and
hang out with my friends outside of school too. but then my
parents think i rebel and dump all this "rebel" shit on me.
im not... all i want is A LIFE, an oppurtunity to live and
have a good time, not feel caged in all the time. but its
so hard balancing a strict religion with a fun lifestyle.
God help me.
sometimes i feel like its not worth it. that the future
holds nothing better. i try so hard to make the future
something to look forward to, i try to get good grades so i
can go to a good college, but even that is slipping from my
hands now.
the only thing i have to rely on now is ME. just me. and no
one, no one knows how hard that is. i mean sometimes its
painful. and it hurts soo much, i just want this
responsibility gone, i want some slack, i want some1 to be
there to help me, and the only person who does is...god, i
wish i could name some1. any1.
but what i hate most of all is the fact that im being some1
i swore i wouldnt. ive tried so hard to be good all my
life...and i have. i succeeded in becoming an innocent,
decent, human being...until now. and oh my god just saying
that makes me want to cry, makes me want to scream out and
say "But I am! I am a good person dont think im not." but
then i do something and all the good ive ever done gets
ERASED. like i didnt ever do anything good in my life.
i swear i just want to leave this Earth. just go with god,
but im sticking to it for now, trying hard to do everything
perfectly. make me a better me. so i can FINALLY look
myself in the mirror and smile, instead of cry.