Watch me lose it...
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2003-03-06 21:50:41 (UTC)


Listening to : Alanis Morrisette - Pollyanna flower

Rarely, I've dreamed for the last couple of days...

Tuesday night bought dreams...vivid and dark, of me having
a fight with Gary. With Richard telling me before hand "you
shouldn't be fighting with people bigger than you, your an
idiot he'll kill you, hes twice your size." And me telling
him "I dont give a fuck, I know he might knock me out, but
it'll be worth it as long as I can get in one really good
The next day I sat eating battered sausage and chips with
him in a chipshop. The installation was hard work..but we
made it. Today we also finished off installing all the crap
nessecary for the training.

Last night bought me dreams of Manchester and more
specifically of April. I have no clue why at all she came
to my dreams. I dreamt there were people I met again there
and she was there too. I couldn't see them all though,
their faces are misty to me. I think over time your
subconcious mind can no longer render faces and after that
your physical present mind struggles to give you images
too. I could see April but she looked different. A bit
smaller..and I think she might have had glasses..but i
don't remember. I was attracted to her still though.
I gave her a long speech about how I liked her so much and
held her hand. What I wanted to do all along but never did.
My failings are many.
My dreams however are like my life...and reflect things
often with strange accuracy. April seemed disinterested in
me. Like everything I had said was somehow not real to her.
I can't remember what was said but that in the end she
walked away from me.
I woke up feeling very tired, quite bitter but still with
that strangely hopeful feeling I get before being turned
down brutally. My neck has hurt all day, i must have
twisted it while I was asleep. At times today I was so
tired and the pain was so bad I felt dizzy. I think maybe
I'm just a bit ill or something
The morning also bought a big envelope from geest with four
jobs that are going in their IT department. Two of
which...I'm sure I can do. It feels right, like my current
job I can get them and do them. I'm going to
send a CV. Thoughts of work running through my head alot
really...what they will say when eventually I do find
another job. What will I say to them? I guess it doesn't
really matter.
Tommorrow will be another long day. A good few jobs on the
list for me. I'm hoping somewhere I won't dream again. I
don't like it and its very rare for me.
No rhymes for a long time. I've not listened to any Shady
much for a while..and while I've had some terrible abuse
I've been able to sort of joke past it and not take it on
too much. Maybe thats good. Dunno.

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