The Stranger
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2003-03-06 20:10:43 (UTC)

my own personal rain cloud wont go away...

ok its definitely been a while since ive written been
really tired and havent felt like it so deal. mattie's
getting big and as a result so am i. i feel like a beach
ball. and he moves a whole lot yeesh. i suppose thats a
good thing. it makes me smile :)
my mom sucks major ass. but she didnt upset me near as bad
as she usually does the last time we talked on the phone.
but dammit she still made me cry. i hate that. i know that
gert wont be around forever and that maybe graham will get
sick of me and move on with his life but does my mom really
have to remind me of that all the time. i mean those arent
really happy thoughts. i worry about whats going to happen
with graham and i when the baby is born. im scared ill lose
him but i dont even actually think i have him to begin with
so yeah i dont have a clue whats going on. i think hes
already starting to get bored with me and my tubbiness and
troubles that seem to go everywhere with me. i really hope
that isnt the case but it seems like thats the way its
trying to get all my paperwork finished so i can get these
damn benefits and be done with it. darin keeps calling but
i keep missing those phone calls. god the birth of this
baby is going to be really weird. darin hasnt even seen the
ultra sound pictures of his son while graham has been to
appointments with me felt him move around and even seen the
ultra sound being done. darin hasnt really been a part of
any of this and i dont want graham to feel slighted when
the baby is born because darin is supposed to be in town
for the birth but i know my gert wont want darin here at
the house at all so how he'll see the baby after he comes
home from the hospital i have no idea. i really dont even
care if darin shows up at all. all i really want him to do
is sign the birth certificate and get back on a plane and
go back to california. it would be a hell of alot stressful
for me and i really dont want all that stress right after i
have the baby im not sure ill be able to handle it
especially if my mom is around too maybe i can just hide in
my room for a month and theyll all leave me alone. bottom
line graham has been there for me this entire pregnancy and
he has every right to be around me and matthew when hes
born if he so chooses whether anyone else likes it or not.
yes well angie has just blessed me with her presence so im
out for now. till next time

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