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2003-03-06 03:55:22 (UTC)

happy,despair,happy, confused,happy depressed,happy

I'm so happy..I've been happy since Friday?
I don't know why people think I should go to NYC to meet
Ruud, when it would only depress me.
I would only have an hour to meet him. Then he would have
to be off to Florida. Plus it's a long drive to NYC..
James got me depressed tonight saying that Ruud does care
but...blah blah blah.. here read the chat..
I'm Lakini980 James is Number 51
[20:12] heh..I'm back into my indifferent
ignoring the fish mood...gawd..he pissed me off today..yay!
[20:13] ah... I knew something was up
[20:14] *hugs*
[20:14] piss on him
[20:14] word yo...heh i'm really tirering of
trying to keep any kind of friendship with him..
[20:14] aw....
[20:15] I like Ruud, I kinda even understand
where he's coming from sometimes, but, yeah, he can be a
royal pain sometimes too.
[20:16] I think a part of it is that English
isn't his native language, and he just doesn't know how to
put certaing things better.
[20:17] yea....typhani says that...
[20:17] but...meh..i'm starting to not care
anymore...he's just pissing me off mostly lately..
[20:19] Don't give up on him yet. At least try
to meet him when he comes over. You might regret it if you
don't. On the other hand, if you meet him and regret doing
it, at least then you'll know giving up is the right thing
to do.
[20:20] Meh...I can't meet him..I've talked to
Ron about it..Jessica, Cara, and one can drive to
NYC on a Wednesday
[20:23] meh...
[20:24] Do you have any idea how much it would
depress me to meet him for one HOUR even?
[20:25] meh, then I better not hear about how
you wish you had met him, because who knows when you'll get
another chance.
[20:26] I think no one wants to take you. Keep
asking around. You should meet the fish.
[20:27] I don't think either of you will regret
[20:29] :( ehh..I don't think I'll regret
it..It will depress the hell out of me....
[20:29] Do ya think an hour is worth it? I
don't.. I'd rather never meet him than that...
[20:31] If I had a choice of seeing Donna again
for only an hour, or never seeing her again...
[20:32] But I'm a hopeless romantic dumbass
[20:33] ..I know how meeting him would make me
feel for the next oooooooh 2 months? ..I'm finally getting
over that shit..I don't want to do anything to cause it to
start up again...He should just move here when his school
is over yo..heh.
[20:36] If you both give up on each other now,
why would he move here in 2 years?
[20:37] .bleh....then how about he stop
ignoring me ehh? that would help with the giving up on him
[20:40] Lindsay, Ruud does care about you, but
he realizes how being so far apart makes him feel
miserable, and that he can't do anything about it anytime
soon, so he feels miserable about that... blah. Sound
[20:42] Plus his mom is downright psycho about
him doing anything that might make him happy...
[20:44] * Number51 shuts up
[20:44] thank you :( I don't want to feel bad
[20:45] * Number51 doesn't know what the fuck he's talking
about, he can't even get things straightened out with Donna
who he's known forever, how can he see someone else's
relationship clearly
[20:46] I'll be here for you if you feel bad
again *hugs*
[20:47] Contrary to what you seem to think
think, I really care about you a lot, and I am intersted in
your problems.
[20:47] thanks James

I want to meet Ruud..I want to meet him more than anything.
But I don't think an hour with him would make up for how I
would feel afterwards.
I've been feeling so different lately. Like I'm starting to
not care whether he ignores me anymore and not caring
weather I ever have the opportunity to know him in real
life or not.
Do I even love him anymore? I'm starting to doubt I ever
did. I'm starting to doubt my feelings weren't just a crush
or an infatuation or mutual interest. Or how he made me
feel. He's really the sweetest guy I've met.
I can't stand being so confused like this.
But.You know what..I'm still happy..and that's all that
matters..I've become so tired up the up and down emotions
I've had since August. I'm just happy. and I'm not going to
screw that up..If that means missing the chance to meet
Ruud then so be it. I'll live. I may regret it, I'm sure
I'll regret it but..I wont go back to the rollercoaster.