Randi Lynn

Ungrateful
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2003-03-05 11:57:43 (UTC)

i hate waking up so early,..

i hate waking up so early, expecially since ive been
sleeping so deeply the last few nights. I just love cuddling
up in my bed with my blankets. Oh, well, i forgot to
mention, also yesterday during physical management...well
first i must state - ROBYN joined the class. How exciting,
huh? NO, i hate her. Depise. Lets try to think of a word
strong enough...? Anyway, she joined, and today was our
first class in the cafe since hse had joined; now i thought,
since the table i sat at was full (and everyone is the
people robyn hangs out with; im just aquentance with them),
she might steal someones seat. Well, I went in, and I sat
down in my seat, christine was about to take her seat, and
robyn beside her, when she suddeny decided she didnt want to
sit at that table - because Im there, of course - and sits
at a differant table. Christine follows. Everyone else that
sat at that table with me sat at the other table; I sat all
alone. Now it doesnt bother me that much; but at least two
or 3 of the girls that sat there hate Robyn as much as I do.
but of course everyone wants to follow robyn beacuse they
all look up to her and her sluttyness. Now im not saying
that because i hate her; Any girl i know who is easy openly
admits it, because proud of it! IMGINE!~ - 7:02 AM

Its raining out. RAINING. Its winter still, but no matter, i love the
spring that is coming, but for now i depise the ice. it covers my
driveway and anyplace i wish to walk, and it covers the snowbanks
since they're been watered then frozen. I think my hair actually
looks better like this than straight, and its easier to make it like
this than to force it to be straight. I bet my mom will forget me.
She did that once, actually, when i was in fifth grade, and in
Chorus, i had just gotten out of practise an was waiting for her, and
she didnt come. But around 6 she came; relizeing she had forgotten
me. Not that it matters, id rather be forgotten and left alone than
to..well, ill actully get into that later; when im not at the
library. Im off to continue reading "The Fellowship of the Ring",
which ive only been reading for a day; and its odd i havent finished
it by now. But it keeps bringing up memories of The Riftwar Saga,
which i found much better than this series. They're actually a bit
alike, but instead of running away from The Enemy, they are pursueing
The Enemy (and i think thats what the autor of riftwar calls it, too)
So the note on the front of the first few books was right; It is
better than Tolkiens LotR (and it does say something liek
that, "offers...") Did i mention i LOVED Riftwar? After im done
reading LoTR im going to start reading some forgotten realms books;
Im going to start with The Dark Elf trilogy. - 2:11 PM

As I was saying, i would rather be forgotten and left alone than to be
put through this course. Its like ive lost my will suddenly, my will
to even try to pretend to be happy. Dont get me wrong, I usually and
pretending im happy, for i do not know how to show much otherwise, and
i hate bringing down peoples spirits, whether their spirits are
already low or not. So, i woudl perfer to be left alone, to deal with
my own sorrow rather than hide it, or hide from it, whatever it is i
am doing, for I feel i am no longer bale to show it; its as if theres
some wall making me show the opposite. Or maybe its just my imagination.

Ive felt like this for months, with a few short days inbetween, or so
its just my imgination. Pretending is making it worse; but old habits
die hard. I feel lost and lonely in this crowded world. Forgive me if
I am not very talkative when I come back; for acting isnt something i
wish to do this day, but i think I wont be able to help it.

Translated, Im always depressed save for a few days that something
made me happy, thourgh it could be jstu my imagination that ive always
been depressed. Pretending is only making my depression worse, yet ive
done it for so long i dont know what to do otherwise. Im such a good
actor, because no one seems to notice. Either that, or no one cares. I
perfer to think no one cares, for it hurts worse. - 6:00 PM (on the dot)


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