Csmcjewl

Diary of a maybe alcholic
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2003-03-04 23:04:49 (UTC)

Tuesday March 4 2003 5:39pm

Well, back from the probation officer. Sigh...I told her
about my counselor. Her answer to the question was not one
I wanted to hear. She gives me another card and says..here,
the only other option you have is to give this other guy a
call, he's really good..he does once a week counseling. My
hope of her saying, well..you don't need that, just
nevermind, you don't have to go. Ha! No, I have to meet in
this group counseling once a week for 8 More weeks! The two
meetings I did do with the other counselor don't even
count! And AND, instead of paying $10 an hour to pay the
other lady I have to pay this guy $25 each meeting!! AND as
if that wasn't bad enough! (I know, I was already trying to
figure out how much that added up to..hehe). Well, if that
wasn't bad enough she said they meet during the evenings.
To this I kinda looked at her like..uhh..what evenings? I
told her I have classes Monday through Thursday. Well, that
didn't seem to phase Miss. Probation officer. She just
goes, well..you're running out of time and you need to get
this done. Basically, "You're Screwed." So, I haven't
called yet. I'm so scared to call. I mean, what if I have
to drop a class for this? I pay like $500 a class! And I"m
doing damn fine in all of them! I don't want to have to
drop anything! Sigh...I'm really upset about all the recent
developments. She doesn't want to see me till May, which is
our last meeting. So..it's all on me. And get this, just to
piss me off she tells me that the place she sent me to
often has problems with the counselors never calling back
and breaking appointments n' stuff. So I just look at her
like...so you set me up to fail? What is that? So, I just
left and put Matchbox 20's first CD really loud and got
back onto the highway and hightailed it outta that damn
town. So, here I am...waiting for Neil to show up so we can
go to an 8pm meeting tonight. I also got yelled at for
allowing Neil to sign my AA meeting papers, apparently it
has to be the chairperson. Nice of her to tell me that now!
Sigh...life is frusterating. So, I stopped by the library
on the way home and got some books about alcoholism. I
figure maybe I'll have to beat this on my own. Question is:
Do I want to beat this? Do I want to become a (gasp!) Non-
drinker? Can I handle that? Right now my answer is no, I
can't. I can't handle anything right now. I'm trying to do
something fundemental and go more than 5 days without
drinking. I'm on day 2. I've just been listening to alot of
my favorite music and closing my eyes and trying to let the
darkness consume me for a moment. I try to gather my
thoughts but I don't like them. Well, I'll flip through
these books and see if they help me at all. Sigh, I'm
so...ahhhh! Ya know? Just at a lose to know what to do. And
I've only got 8 weeks left of probation so I have to start
that counseling like this week. I feel like crying. I don't
want to have to drop a class. I could be graduating!! I
want to make the decision to stay after if i want to, I
don't want to leave it up to anyone but me! When do I get
to make the choices in my life. I think I'm just going to
close my eyes for a long time, take some deep breaths and
call the guy to see when the meetings are. That's about the
best I can do. No, that won't help. Maybe I"ll watch a
movie and try to erase my life. See, the problem here is
that I don't know how to relax. Right now I'm craving a
drink, I told you, it only takes the littlest thing to set
me off and this isn't even something little. This is big.
This is like, here's $500 and 7 weeks of a class about to
go down the drain because of this. And I really really
really don't want to quit Meteorology. I've got a guy in
there that's got the hots for me. hehe...And I've got my
project and my partner in there. If i have to go in there
and tell them I have to drop I'm going to cry. I will. See,
the problem with this whole thing is that no one
understands. I don't let people in. Neil has an alternate
reality about how I feel about drinking. He brings out a
side of me that's very vunerable right now and I need to
get it together before he comes here cause I'll end up
drinking and it's only been 2 damn days. Dave gets the more
honest version of me but I don't feel he understands. He
gets sick of hearing about it too ya know? He doesn't
understand how it's so hard to stop drinking, he doesn't
understand the cravings and the insasable need to drink. I
don't know. I don't know what to do. I wish...I don't know.
I wish I could talk to someone that understands being in
the middle. I can talk to the people at AA who will tell me
I'm an alcoholic, I can talk to Dave who doesn't
understand, I can talk to Neil who has his own views that
there is nothing wrong with drinking. I feel most at peace
here with just myself where I can take some deep breaths
and stare at the wall and cry until the feeling subsides
without someone going, "what's wrong?" Because when I ask
myself that I just want to scream. I want to pull my hands
over my head, curl up into a little ball and just say, " I
don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. When
everyone else drinks as much if not more than me, it's ok
for them. But ya know, I'm the one who got caught so I'm
the one they target with the problem. Does that make me
have a problem? I don't know. I don't have the answers.
Everyone has a side they stand on and i'm somewhere in the
middle feeling like I have an angel and a devil on each
shoulder telling me how I feel with each passing second and
I don't know who is right. Sigh...this is a bad moment. I
have plenty of them. My insides are crying and outwardly
I'll be happy, no one will ever know but me.
Stacey


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