Diary of a maybe alcholic
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2003-03-04 18:56:43 (UTC)

Tuesday March 4th 2003 12:56pm

Hello Online Diary,
I had the idea to keep this last night at work. I figure if
anyone else is going through anything similar to me or can
offer some advice, all is welcome. I will catch up on my
old entries also as backlogged so for awhile it may look as
though my diary is going backward, it's just the dates of
my old handwritten entries. So...what brings me here? Well,
wow...where do I start? Sept. 14th 2002 I got arrested. I
suppose that's not really where it started, but it'll do. I
got arrested for drinking and driving and hitting another
car. No one was hurt, well..physically speaking anyway. I
was one of those people, one of those everyone looks at
like.."what a loser." I didn't ask for the title but
somewhere along the way, I got lost and it got assigned to
me. Well, let's see....I"m 23 years old, I live in
Michigan..uhh..I"m a girl. I currently am a senior in
college about ready to graduate (maybe) in May. (7 weeks!)
Uhm, I have a fiance that I live with. We're supposed to be
getting married next August 2004. That is a recent
development within the last 2 weeks. Very exciting. But,
ok...back to the story, can you tell I don't like thinking
about it? Which is odd because it tends to be the only
thing I think about. I got arrested coming back from the
bar with Jerermy, a guy friend. I got put into jail, drunk.
Dave, my boyfriend bailed me out. This had a profound
effect on me. I didn't leave bed for almost a week.
Although it's been nearly 6 months...I'm still dealing with
it. It was my first conviction, first time in trouble for
anything in my life. I was scared to death. Over the last
semester I went to court 3 times and eventually was
convicted of impaired driving. But ya know...it doesn't
matter to me what i was convicted of, I blew a .17 that
night. I was pretty damn drunk. Worst thing is..I've driven
much much more drunk than that in my life. But...I got a
$750 fine, 12 AA meetings, 8 weeks of counceling (focus),
and a restricted license for 3 months, which has gone by
and I can get it back as soon as I have $125 reinstatment
fee, (quote: let's charge the drunks to get their license
back just because we can!) So...things were ok for awhile,
I didn't drink for 30 days..well, 28 days after I got
arrested, I thought I was scared off for life, but
alas...no. Once I started drinking again, it was right back
to where I was. I never leave home, mind you. I drink
here...but..still. Then Dave's friend Neil came home from
college. He is a boneafied drunk. I claime the right to
call him that, i have been arrested right? Well, we started
a streak leading up to and beyond christmas that left us
drunk 11 days out of 15. This took me up to New Years where
I managed to black out, pass out and vomit all over myself.
I woke up at 8:30am New Years Day covered in my own vomit.
What a way to start the New Year "not" as a drunk eh? Well,
I crawled my way to the shower and then passed out
underneath the christmas tree on the floor in the living
room. I then woke up again at 11:30am with pine needles
stuck all over in my hair because at 8:30 I had still been
drunk and didn't pay attention to where I slept. This is
where I just sat and cried. I cried and cried till I
couldn't cry anymore because this is when I inwardly
admitted to myself that I had a problem. I cried myself
back to sleep and woke up again at 2:30 when everyone else
got up and pretended as if nothing had happened. That was
when I first put my foot down and said I wasn't going to
drink anymore. Cleaning your vomit off the bed will do
that. Not to mention we had to throw away my pillow, the
sheets and the comforter and there's now a nice stain next
to the bed that has somehow appeared at each of the
following 2 apartments we lived in. All due to me vomiting
all over myself and down the side of the bed. I know it
sounds gross but to me it's just a part of my life. Well,
that lasted about 4 days. I started going to my meetings
then, they are really helpful but I have been going with
Neil, who adimatly declares he doesn't have a problem. He
always has a beer when we get back from the meetings and
just blows them off so I end up doing the same. Neil has
this addicting personality that will make you beleive
whatever he says. He makes you feel relaxed and as if
nothing in the world it wrong, he makes all your problems
melt away and you feel as if having a beer makes perfect
sence, you had a bad day right? Nothing wrong with kicking
back and having a few, what harm is it doing? Well, that's
Neil, I love him dearly but...wow, is he bad for me. Dave
has declared over time that everyone drinks too much and he
doesn't want any part of it, he says this is from cleaning
my vomit on so many occasions. So, he is actually really
good for me. Then there is my "friend" Laura at school. I
say friend in quotations because I really don't like her. I
tend to attract people who like to talk about themselves
and don't really care what you say back as long as you're
listening to them. She reminds me alot of my parents. So,
anyways..she works at this place where they take care of
delinquents with like 3 DUI's and stuff. She blows the
meetings off too and always goes, trust me..you don't have
a problem..you're nothing compared to the guys I work with.
So...here I am totally confused, going to meetings with
Neil and having him blow them off afterwards and Laura
blwoing them off and telling me I'm fine. For awhile Dave
was even saying I didn't have a problem So...here it is
March and I'm still dealing with this. I haven't gone more
then 5 days without drinking since New years. I just can't.
Once I faced that I have a problem, I understand I need to
do something about it...I just don't know what and how. And
besides, it's so much easier to do nothing and just kick
back and drink with everyone else. Why do I have to have a
problem ya know? Maybe I don't have a problem, because if I
have a problem then like half the people I know have a
problem. You may be thinking, what happened to that
counceling? Well, I went to one appointment and my
councelor won't answer my phone calls. How's that for good
psychologists? I don't know why, I leave message after
message with her. Oh, I got 6 months probation too. That's
what I forgot, I have to go see her today. She is really
laid back and really doesn't give a crap about anything as
long as I'm following the rules so...I'm going to tell her
today about the great counselor I've got. Sometimes when
I'm drunk I get really crazy about the whole counselor bit,
I mean, how many people's counselor's avoid them?? What
does that tell me? That inwardly really bothers me...I
mean, I know it's not my fault that I have a dumbass for a
counselor but...damn, I must be crazy or something! I'm
really at a loss there, I don't know what to think. She
answered one of my messages with another mesage that said,
call and leave a time you're available and I'll call back
and confirm it. Well, I called and said anytime, just
call...anytime. Nothing. Haven't heard from her since, I'm
pretty pissed at her actually. I mean, as a counselor she
has lost all trust from me. She's obviously not trying to
help me in any way. I'm just another court case that has to
go through the counseling. She knows I'll go to jail if I
don't go through the counseling. Damnit...my life sucks!
Well, so...here I am. 2 days ago I got the bug...I call it
that because I feel like there is an evil Stacey (that's
me!) that takes over and Has to drink. Well, I tried to not
do it...there were oh...like 6 beers in the fridge, about a
1/2 bottle of vodka and 3 beers in the basement a guy left
here once. Well, I came home and Dave wasn't here...that
was all it took. No note, didn't know where he was, when
he'd be back...I started drinking. My first drink caused
tears to well up in my eyes because I knew once again, I'd
blown it. Even if I only had one, it was enough to make me
put Drank in my planner. (it's my way of trying to alert
myself as to how much and how often I drink) Well, I drank
the first very quick because damnit, it was damn good.
Well, I started to feel that buzz as it soared through my
blood. That's the mental image I always get, you know how
you can almost feel the alcohol seeping through the stomach
liner and into the blood stream? Ahh...refreshing. See?
There I go again, so anyway..Dave came home in the middle
of bottle two. I like to drink and just crank up Avril
Lavigne and sing in my kitchen. I know I know...I've got a
thing against the image she's trying to create but ya
know...she's still pretty talented for a 17 year old. I'm
really into movies...that's my real thing. I work at a
crappy video store that I'm sure you'll hear plenty about.
It's part of what makes me so depressed sometimes. Ahh, I'm
getting off subject. Well, here's a recap of me real quick.
It'll make me feel I'm giving more of an overview of where
I"m coming from with this whole diary thing. I told you I'm
23, a senior in college. I'm getting a double major degree
in (get this!) Psychology and Criminal Justice. hehe...bet
yer snickering now. I say this to anyone who might happen
to be bored enough to actually read about my life. If your
life isn't sucky enough, (as all of american's belive
thiers are), read about mine! You'll feel better by the
end! I guarentee! Anyways, so, yeah, I'm considering
staying at college till December to raise my GPA abit, I
have a 2.6 right now, I should (will?) have a 2.9 when I
graduate (?). But, to get into grad. school I need a 3.0 so
I might stick around just to get that...I'd be taking
neuropsychology, env. science (replace the D I got) and I
just figured out last night, advanced guitar. I already
took beginning, Dave bought me a guitar last year for my
birthday, I've always wanted to learn. Well, I learned
enough to play like 12 chords, not like I can really play
anything but...I'd like to learn more. I love Michelle
Branch, Avril Lavigne, My favorite band is Matchbox 20 and
my all time favorite singer is Jewel. Uhm, I love movies,
as I mentioned..work for the shitty video store. Small
privatly owned..nazi's own the place, I swear, they are
horrible. But...Uhm..hrm...that's about it. I hang out with
Dave's friend Neil more than anyone who on recent events
started dating Dave's evil ex. girlfriend Michelle. There
was a fight last Sat. night at the bar between Neil and
Michelle's recent ex. That was kinda what motivated me to
drink Sunday, I felt like when Dave and I stayed home we
missed out on all the fun. I had to work err...wait, I'm
off by a day. They went to the bar Friday and I drank
Saturday cause I had to work Sunday morning. Yeah, but
anyeways...that night led to Dave getting pissed that I was
drinking and me promising "just one more!" over and over
till everyone got here, which was an interesting dynamic in
the first place. It was Neil, michelle and Dave's friend
Scott..who lives in Toledo but is from here so he drives up
to his parents house about 2 times a month, so we see alot
of him. He has the "I work two jobs and go to school so
when I come home on the weekends, I get trashed" thing
going. Everyone I know drinks...except for me. ...well, I
shouldn't, but I do. I have been trying everything I can to
stop myself from drinking. trying to trick myself, trying
to be stubborn using the "you're NOT going to drink"
method. Nothing works...well, finally Saturday night Dave
went and dumped out all the beer left in the fridge but
once I start drinking the craving is there. I knew that
there was beer in the basement so I proceeded to sneak down
there and chug beer as quick as I could to "keep the buzz".
I know it sounds pathetic but at that point, it's
like..when I've got the buzz going, if I stop before I want
to..I'm pissed. Really really pissed off. And that doesn't
happen often so...I try to avoid it. I don't like to fight,
naturally I have coined myself a child of the 60/70's era.
I love to play the guitar, I love accoustic music, I love
bellbottems..I love to drink and have a good time, I relish
in the simple things in life...I love time alone, I like to
think...I've kept a diary that is now over 3,000 pages
since I was 10. I just recently took up drawing anime' to
keep myself busy. it's something that relaxes me. I like
watching japanese animation, well...some of it. hehe...some
are really bad, but for the most part, they're cool. Some
of my recent favorite movies include The ring, sweet home
alabama, the banger sisters, uhh..hrm...I don't know. Most
movies are too transparent and simple for me to truly
relate. I love to watch them because I can escape my
pathetic reality and not think about drinking for awhile. I
wonder if there's a limit to how much I can write in here.
hehe...I tend to write alot. Let's see...I don't have many
friends, I've been screwed over too much. I have one "best"
friend, I use the term loosely because I had a best friend
for 12 years that had a b/f, when we decided one year to
leave with the fair and become carnies for a week before
school started, we got back and he moved her across the
state to keep her away from me. Ever since then I've kinda
been against best friends, but...there's this guy Shane
that lives in Tennessee I talk to quite abit. He's the guy
that back in 97 when I started working at the movie
theater, he worked there and we became friends. He was
hitting on me but I had the b/f that cheated on me and to
get even I made out with Shane. Well, it didn't work out
but we remained friends and are still friends to this day.
Shane accepts that I'm with Dave and that's that. I just
asked him Saturday night to be my "man" of honor in my
wedding. See, I want to kick this thing before I have to
start planning my wedding, you know what I mean? No one
wants to deal with being an alcoholic while planning a
wedding. I just want to be normal. Sometimes I think going
to the meetings and getting arrested has just placed the
label on my head that I accept because it's what people
tell me. But deep down I know I do have a problem. I don't
know what the answer is..that's the problem. I don't know
if I need to stop drinking, which most the time I think I
do..but I can't seem to compleatly convince myself of that
because I like it so much. Like 3-4 days goes by without
drinking and I'm there trying to convince myself that there
is nothing wrong with kicking back and having a few beers
after a long week at school. Technically I'm not even
supposed to be drinking because I'm on probation but I
figure, they're sending me to the counselor, if she doesn't
want to help me, how am I supposed to be able to stop
myself? That's what I've been trying to do but...I seem to
fail every time. My true love is the bar. I love to go to
all sorts of bars, everything from the local hick bar, to
the dance club/meat market 45 minutes away. But, I'm
perfectly happy just staying at home with Neil and drinking
our lives away too. Everyone has been concerned with neil
actually because he is diabetic and still drinks like
everyday. I'm sure I would be drinking right along with him
if I wasn't trying to slow down/stop. That was my Christmas
vacation, lots of beer and yatzee. Anyways, this is getting
really long. So...I think that about covers the basics.
Today I have to see the probation officer, I"m borrowing
Dave's car again. So I get to drop him off and pick him up
at work...I'm thinking of going to the Saginaw mall and
spending a little needless cash, money I don't have but I
pretend to have. I got my 3 day of working check from
Waldenbooks. When they closed my video store in my town and
told me I'd have to drive 30 minutes to the other store to
work I told them to screw off and got a job at Waldenbooks
but after 3 days was begging them to take me back because
Waldenbooks sucked so much, full of old ladies and book
clubs. I'm a movie person, don't take me out of my zone.
hehe...even if they only pay $5.25 hr. Well, it makes me
depressed but I can't say I don't liek the basic job. No,
that's a lie, I hate my job, I hate the drive, I hate the
pay, I hate the job but..I get to sit around and watch
movies and do homework all I want. No supervision and I
always work alone. You can't beat that. So...there I am.
But, Yeah, I'm going to call Neil tnonight and see if he
wants to go to another meeting. If his evil g/f will let
him. She's manipulative and possessive. I don't knwo what
Neil is thinking, cheap way to get laid I guess. So..we'll
see. And logically I'm thinking ya know, if I'm really
serious I should just go to the meeting alone and soak up
everything they're saying. Well, I like having Neil there,
like I said...he's a very relaxing presence and I get
really nervous at the meetings. So..it's good. Anyways, so
maybe I'll write later and say how it went...I want to put
my handwritten entries in here too so I'll throw some of
those in either today or tomarrow. I'll talk to you later