2003-03-04 06:29:03 (UTC)

a beginning

she stares at the screen not knowing quite what to say. she
thought that her long silence had been due to the fact that
she felt she needed to censor herself; the anonymity
afforded by this new site was seen as a way to say what she
was feeling. now, as she again fails to fill the blank
screen, she thinks maybe there are no feelings to write
about. oh she feels, but it's all so ordinary; it's always
the same as what came before. a good day here, a bad day
there, a few nothing days in between...some days she thinks
that it's the details that matter, she clings to the small
things that make each day different. lately though, she
can't seem to find even the smallest thing to cling to. the
details don't matter as much anymore because, even though
they are different, they're still all the same. up, down,
and back around we go on this rollercoaster we call life
and she's stuck on the kiddie-rides. "it's all so
pointless," she cries to the universe inside her head.
she's annoyed with her roommates, her boyfriend is mad at
her over an issue that shouldn't be an issue and a stupid
misunderstanding, she hates school (and she never thought
she'd say that), hates her job, and hates that she's lost
contact with so many who were so important to her life.
college was supposed to be the best thing to happen to her -
it allowed her to leave her overprotective mother and the
small town she had long since outgrown, she was able to
take classes she actually was interested in, new
experiences, new friends, a whole new world was opened up
to her. but now, almost three years later, she longs for
the person staring back at her from years of pictures,
longs to rid herself of the person staring back at her in
the mirror. she tells herself it will get better once she
graduates and is out on her own, able to start over once
again, this time with more knowledge about life and about
herself. she tells herself that, and can sometimes make
herself half believe it but she knows that it's unlikely
that things will change. it's too easy to keep it all the
same, to go with the flow. that's how she ended up here in
the first place; she just let things happen. it was easier
that way and she didn't have to risk much. as much as she
looked forward to coming to the big city, she is forced to
admit that, in many ways, it's easier to be who you want in
a small town. you're not continually meeting new people,
it's always the same people everywhere you go. sometimes
this can work against you - having people force their
opinions of who you are on you - but it can also make it
easier to just be yourself. you're rarely in a situation
that requires your "must impress new acquaintance" mask.
and even in these situations, you usually have the home
court advantage. the other person is usually the one in
unfamiliar territory and he/she is the only one you haven't
grown up with...
she looks back over her words with a sigh. her focus was
lost but at least there are words to look over.

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