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2003-03-04 06:03:44 (UTC)

Giving up?

Should I give up on her?
I guess it's not really fair to give up when I haven't
even given her a chance to begin but it's so *frustrating*
having nothing to write in here cuz of the stagnation
between us...
Like I'm as hopelessly desperately in love with her still
(just sounds tragic with those adverbs)but I'm just
Do I want anything to change? Only if it's for the
better, otherwise I'd rather just sit back and enjoy our
friendship. I don't wanna ruin anything-or in reality I
don't wanna see her face when she says she doesn't feel
the same for me...I already know the face she'll use...and
I don't wanna see it. I don't care about this loved and
lost shit-I'm not risking it yet-only if it comes up.
And like Friday night could have been beautiful if she had
stayed but she didn't...and nothing would have happened
anyway-I know this but still...I might have something to
write about in this.
And everyone else is frustrated with me and their
efforts...but I don't like this contrived situation we've
placed ourselves in-I'm pulling back and it's not cool...I
need to be allowed to move forward at my own pace. It
will happen-that much is inevitable-unless she meets
someone and falls madly in love with them...
I was seriously saying screw you to her-mentally of course
but then like a half hour later she phoned to talk about
nothing really...and so I was happy. Sorta...but I'm still
very much on the verge of apathy. LIke I can see her and
she's hot and all but I can just as easy ignore her. I
watched her do chores on Sunday and then suffered guilt
knowing I should have helped her....
Subtlety is an art I've mastered all too well, and I think
I'm suffering...

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