cryingcountrycowgirl

Lost and Searching
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2003-03-04 04:35:10 (UTC)

Fragility

what in the fuck is being fragile...yah, i was accused of
not being fragile but a mean bitch....sure i am, and they
told me it sucks...boy are they wrong....no its a bitch to
know that time is short...to know that i won't allow myself
to open up to anyone every again....to know that i don't
know that i will be around the next year or so..so if that
makes me a mean bitch then so be it.....being a fragile is
something i can't do, b/c it is me, myself, and i that gets
me through each day, minute by minute, second for
second...damnit don't people understand, that i am the one
carrying this load upon my shoulders...i have tried relying
on others but they can't seem to bear the load, so instead
of thinking that i have found a friend, i have to keep to
myself....right at the moment pride is all i have and that
and a heater pad is what keeps me warm at night, sad isn't
it...but i can't blame that the people around me are
totally shallow its just that they have never been exposed
to something like this...you know you live, marry, have
kids, and then die of old age,no one gets sick or any of
this.....damnit most of the time i want to lash out at
someobody, just take my angry out with my fist, but i can't
so i don't know what to do....and then there are times i
feel as if i could cry for days, sometimes i know why and
others i am not sure...I think that if i just left this
place i could be happier....free from this body that holds
me down and keeps me here in the world of the hurt, but
then again i think about if i leave then who is going to
take care of the little things, it seems almost as a
hinderance if i leave, like if it happens something else
will come along, so my passing will be shortly
remembered....i can remember during school, i wouldn't want
to admit i was sick b/c someone else already at home
playing ill and getting my mother's attention...
just when i wanted to do something it never seemed like the
right time b/c someone else had something to do.

I just can't win


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