Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2003-03-03 08:10:57 (UTC)

Maybe he has a right to worry

I don't know, right now I'm entertaining the idea that
maybe some switch isn't working in my head. Depression is
an imbalance of hormones and I'm entertaining the idea.
Chris is doing more, he honestly believes that I am
depressed and not really getting better.

How do I sum it up?

I am really hating the fact that I am lonely now. I want
companionship here, a roommate. Someone to set me straight
and just be company for me. Being here alone isn't helping
me any. But talking to Chris as often as I do doesn't help
me either.

What symptoms point to depression? Well, after doing so
many reports in school, I know a bit about it. Depression
doesn't just consist of crying. You separate yourself from
the world, you can't really take part in everyone's
happiness. You are always feeling tired, but sometimes you
can't sleep. You wish you could change stuff and you lean
towards others, or other things, to take the pain away. So
far, I've done it all.

GATORBOG1 (12:34:55 AM): Do you think I have a problem?
That I'm depressed?
GATORBOG1 (12:35:10 AM): I'd like to say no
ACDCozzy69 (12:35:33 AM): I've thought that for some time
now
GATORBOG1 (12:35:44 AM): Really?
ACDCozzy69 (12:35:48 AM): yes
GATORBOG1 (12:35:57 AM): Oh God
GATORBOG1 (12:38:15 AM): How long?
ACDCozzy69 (12:38:40 AM): about 7 months
ACDCozzy69 (12:38:43 AM): since right after basic

If he thought so for that long, why the hell did he not
tell me about this before hand? "I don't want you living
like this for the next 3 years" I never really sat down and
thought about it. But, I've been thinking the past few days.

I cry a lot. I mean, at school, at work and in public, I'm
ok. But once I come home, it's a daily thing. Eventually I
will start crying. He can tell me he loves me and I cry.
Something triggers a memoory of the pregnancy, or he'll
talk about the future and it seems so far away. Then it
seems like my life is on pause. That each day makes me
older, but I'm not allowed to do anything about it. I
can't grow with him any more than we are now. I mean, we've
been through a lot, but it's like we are grounded from each
other by our parents.

I just think about the past too much. I think about how
things could be, what they would have been, stuff like
that. I dwell. He thinks that my typing in this diary isn't
doing me any good. I think the opposite. Chris wanted me to
go into therapy for the abortion, but we both knew that I
couldn't afford it. I had just lost a lot of money, and a
bit of myself for a while, to the procedure itself. Where
would I have gotten the money? GATORBOG1 (11:53:48 PM): She
thinks I need counceling
GATORBOG1 (11:55:09 PM): That could have helped out a lot
ACDCozzy69 (11:56:11 PM): I know, but you couldn't afford it
GATORBOG1 (11:56:26 PM): Tell me about it
ACDCozzy69 (11:59:26 PM): you're crying again...
GATORBOG1 (11:59:29 PM): But it would have helped me out so
much. God
GATORBOG1 (11:59:45 PM): I could have had someone to talk
to here
ACDCozzy69 (11:59:59 PM): I know; I've known you've needed
it, but why even suggest it since you couldn't afford it
ACDCozzy69 (12:00:19 AM): that's why I try to do it, but
there's only so much I can do from here
ACDCozzy69 (12:00:35 AM): I hate that; I feel so powerless
GATORBOG1 (12:00:40 AM): I never thought about it. I
thought I was strong enough, mostly cause I knew I would
get it done anyway. A year ago, it wouldn't have been the
issue
GATORBOG1 (12:01:16 AM): But someone who didn't have their
own agenda, someone who wasn't too wrapped up with their
boyfriends and getting laid to listen.
GATORBOG1 (12:02:04 AM): Someone who didn't think I was
stupid, irresponsible and that is was my fault, that I was
to blame and that I shouldn't ask for pity
GATORBOG1 (12:03:40 AM): I got that a lot
GATORBOG1 (12:03:57 AM): Bitch ass people who I could have
cared less about
GATORBOG1 (12:04:53 AM): Apparently, Jackie says it was
post pardom depression or soemthing like that
ACDCozzy69 (12:05:04 AM): yeah...
GATORBOG1 (12:05:59 AM): I just don't know. I think I was
just too hard on myself
GATORBOG1 (12:06:11 AM): I took everyone's comments too
seriously
GATORBOG1 (12:06:45 AM): I mean when enough people tell you
that your are irresponsible and a slut, you kinda begin to
believe it. Especially at that point
ACDCozzy69 (12:08:30 AM): ...I should have done more...
GATORBOG1 (12:08:46 AM): What could you have done?
GATORBOG1 (12:08:57 AM): It was something I had to do,
something to take care of on my own
GATORBOG1 (12:09:03 AM): It was my doing, so I had to fix
it all.
ACDCozzy69 (12:10:53 AM): It wasn't all your doing
GATORBOG1 (12:12:28 AM): You didn't know
GATORBOG1 (12:12:33 AM): I knew the entire time
ACDCozzy69 (12:13:18 AM): I still should have used condoms
ACDCozzy69 (12:13:23 AM): I still should use them now
GATORBOG1 (12:13:26 AM): I could have told you that I
wasn't on the pill anymore. I could have mentioned that I
was using an insert instead and that the risk was higher. I
just didn't, I didn't think it was an issue. You leaving
was enough of a blow against me
GATORBOG1 (12:14:00 AM): My body can't function without
these pills though. I get really tired and really moody
without those extra hormones
GATORBOG1 (12:14:25 AM): So, until the time comes, there
isn't a need to get off of them just yet
ACDCozzy69 (12:14:50 AM): I just wish there is something I
could have done
ACDCozzy69 (12:15:02 AM): I'm sure there has to have been
something...
GATORBOG1 (12:15:30 AM): It was something I needed to do on
my own.
GATORBOG1 (12:15:37 AM): It wasn't like a had a lot of
support anyway
GATORBOG1 (12:15:54 AM): Steph was a little scared to say
anything and Nessa just kept her mouth shut against me
GATORBOG1 (12:16:08 AM): Tyler is more friends with you and
was probably more there to talk to you about it
GATORBOG1 (12:16:14 AM): Rob was too busy with Nessa
GATORBOG1 (12:16:21 AM): I just had Bill till I could talk
to you
GATORBOG1 (12:19:36 AM): Anyway, it did a lot to you. I
still think that sometimes it would have been better if you
didn't know.
GATORBOG1 (12:19:40 AM): You wouldn't have known otherwise
ACDCozzy69 (12:20:43 AM): I am really glad you told me
GATORBOG1 (12:20:56 AM): I shouldn't have though
ACDCozzy69 (12:20:58 AM): I don't want any secrets between
us... especially nothing of that magnitude
ACDCozzy69 (12:21:03 AM): you should have!
ACDCozzy69 (12:21:11 AM): don't ever doubt that telling me
the truth is the wrong thing to do
GATORBOG1 (12:21:21 AM): It would have been so much easier
not to have let anyone know at all
GATORBOG1 (12:21:24 AM): I just broke down
GATORBOG1 (12:21:44 AM): I could have forgotten about it
GATORBOG1 (12:21:50 AM): It wouldn't have happened in my
mind
GATORBOG1 (12:21:55 AM): I could have blocked it out
ACDCozzy69 (12:23:29 AM): that wouldn't be healthy
ACDCozzy69 (12:23:37 AM): besides, stop worrying about the
past so much
GATORBOG1 (12:23:43 AM): Like most of the things I've done
was healthy?
GATORBOG1 (12:24:12 AM): Right now, it is all I have to
think about. It isn't like I have much going on other than
that. Trust me, it pisses me off when I think about it so
much
ACDCozzy69 (12:24:28 AM): so stop
ACDCozzy69 (12:24:36 AM): think about the future or the
present
ACDCozzy69 (12:24:38 AM): think about school
ACDCozzy69 (12:25:03 AM): or just go to bed; you need the
sleep
GATORBOG1 (12:25:28 AM): Not right now
ACDCozzy69 (12:25:34 AM): I just really wish there was
something I could do for you, but I can't
GATORBOG1 (12:25:40 AM): I know
ACDCozzy69 (12:25:44 AM): I hate to say it, but you have to
make it through this on your own
GATORBOG1 (12:25:57 AM): There wasn't much you could do
anyway, now or later
ACDCozzy69 (12:26:08 AM): I don't want you living like this
for the next 3 years

I lied in there. I said that I could forget. I'd never
forget it, but I could make myself feel like it never
happened. That it was a scene in a movie or a dream I had,
but that it had no relevance to my life. But scenes and
dreams I always remember. Or at least I remember a few. I
could have done that. I did it a few times, forgotten that
it was real. It just doesn't help when you are reminded
about it somehow. Commercials about pregnancy tests, WIC
commercials, my pregnant co-worker, stuff like that. You
are forced with the memory and sometimes you don't know if
it's real or fake. You just know that it stirs something up
in you.

This will worry a bunch of people, but it's something that
needs to be out. Outside, it's a mask. I don't want a lot
of people to think that there is a problem with me. But I'm
alone, at night, with no light but a computer screen and I
cry. At this moment, I'm not happy. I can't. I have too
many hormones raging in me. I'm about to start my period,
so it's typical that I'm emotional. But I don't eat when
I'm here. To keep myself occupied, I munch of Nestea tea
mix. I've been doing so for a week now. Munching on it so I
don't eat too much. It isn't good for me to eat a lot right
now. I don't sleep till late at night. Like now, for
instance. It is 2 in the morning, and I don't want to
sleep. I want to write, and just get it out. Chris wants me
to sleep. I don't eat much at school, or at work. I don't
really talk about anything personal at both locations
either, I just goof off so I don't seem to be anything like
I am right now. The thing that really set me off was
that...since I was at the bars (6 of them) with Amanda and
Leigh and let someone buy me $40 worth of shots, I've been
wanting to drink again. When Chris first left, I drank a
lot and Chris was worried. Now, I want to drink again.
That would do more than just sitting and dwelling. I just
don't want to turn into Chris' grandmother, Mamaw. She's an
alcoholic. The fact that Nessa is mad at me right now
doesn't help me either.

lpufratpankake01 (12:49:49 AM): I've been tired the past
few days so I haven't done it. And I knew when he'd be home
tonight but noooo his fucking friends!!!
GATORBOG1 (12:50:25 AM): But...see honey, it sounds like
you depend on some type of sexual activity too much
GATORBOG1 (12:50:34 AM): I sound like a hypocrite, but I
know how it is
lpufratpankake01 (12:50:37 AM): I'm not it's just fuck
GATORBOG1 (12:50:59 AM): You go three days and you make it
sound like you've been without food for a week
lpufratpankake01 (12:51:12 AM): I was just wanted to
something for HIM.. not for myself. This is like the 3rd or
4th time Nick has had to stay with him.
lpufratpankake01 (12:51:22 AM): Well I'm going to bed.

I just want to stop crying every day. That's all. I want to
stop being so upset with myself. I have been strong enough
to go through this shit for 8 months so far, I can keep
going. I can't really be depressed. Yeah, I was for a bit.
He has just left, then I'm pregnant. I pretty much went
through everything alone, started drinking. It had to have
been postpardom depression. I know I couldn't be happier
when I'm around Chris. I glow. Depression doesn't allow
that. Maybe I just want to cry and that bring the problem.

Why would I want to cry? I sure as hell don't want Chris to
knwo about it. I don't want him to feel guilty. He does, I
can't help that. But I don't want him to feel bad for
staying there. I know he won't come home. He hasn't
outright said it, but he hints. He wishes that he could be
my roommate, he wishes he could be there to hug me, he
hates to say it but I'll have to go through this alone.
Those are enough hints to tell me that he's there to stay.
That is where he belongs. He's their bitch. He's married to
the military. And although every problem I have right now
would completely disappear if he came home, he should stay
up there.

::sigh::

I really should start a webpage. I just don't know how. I
should also learn to play the guitar. Both would do me a
lot of good. Maybe I can have Chris help me with both. 18
more days and he'll be here for a week.

Like I said to him, now I'm tired. I really hope he still
reads this. Maybe he'll understand it all. I can't be
depressed. It's just one of my long phases. Eventually,
I'll come up with a way to make everything better. I'll
grow stronger. I will get better. I am not depressed, just
in a phase.




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