ami

when love is alive and hope is dead
2003-03-03 05:45:12 (UTC)

from what i see i hate humanity

i am screaming in my head right now. screaming so loud i
make my head hurt from the invisible rage. happiness keeps
running away from me. my concentration has disintegrated.
my life has disintergrated. i dont know wut im doing here.
but i know i dont want to be here. there is nothing worth
living for. i wonder why there are more bad people than good. why
there arent more caring people then bullies. why
do people fake interest; fake friendship; arent really
there for you when u need them. it makes me mad. i know i
should just shake it off and forget about it, but i cant.
the one thing i noticed is that i love tino for being my
caretaker, for being a wonderful friend. with my head in
my hands, frusteration in my soul, rage in my skin,
sadness in my eyes, i cry in self pity; mourning my
existance. i savour the moments of joy that arise around
me. but when i feel depressed and try to dwell on those
happy emotions, pain overcomes it, my pain is my reality
and i hate it. i hate that i feel. i hate that i care. i
hate that i breathe. i am so sick of complaining. i really
am. i am sick of having to go places to find happiness and
not being able to find happiness within myself. people
think that i get into relationships because i want to have
someone make me happy. have someone tell me that im a good
kid. well that is so untrue. people dont realize that all
it is, is me needing someone to love. and my messed up
love life has only a dent on my depression. i want someone
to love. and i want that person to love me back. but ya,
the love life thing, that never works out for me. no
matter what anyone thinks. oi. the madness...





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