2003-03-03 03:28:21 (UTC)


so i had a week of insanity, and a week of trying to regain
sanity, and here i am. i had a terrible fever, was living
in a cocoon, hallucinating all over the place... and it
left me in this strange, sad, bad, state. ive also been
feeling "sad and lonely" lately. i guess from getting used
to this whole living alone thing. timing of everything.
hate that feeling so much i cant even say. express. lonely.
bah bah bah. not me. but thursday night i rented two movies-
sweet home alabama and y tu mama tambien, and thought that
y tu mama was the mmost brilliant genius movie id ever
seen, and mike and sasha came over to watch them, it i was
just happy. made me happy. friday i had a meeting with my
advisor, who always makes me feel smart and like everything
is ok, then went to the leonardo exhibit, and then out with
all my friends and i just felt like me again. then sat went
out in bayside, and today spent the day at julies house,
where she was having a family graduation party thing, and
it was just a lovely weekened overall. i just watched the
season premeire of six feet under and its got me thinking
about life again. life. making me feel small and alone.
alone. you never know what will happen. i start thinking
like that and all i get to is that i dont know anything
about anything, there is nothing i am sure of, and i
sometimes feel like there is nothing for me to grab a hold
of, have a grip on, so i dont slip away. there was this guy
once, who wrote that in a letter to me, he told me to find
something to hold onto. and to hold onto it hard,
especially when i feel everything else slipping away. and
he said id know what it was when i found it. that was
years and years ago and i still cant begin to understand
what it is i am supposed to be holding onto. there were a
coulple weeks where i was reading all my old letters. i had
boxes and boxes, piles of hundreds of emails, and i think i
read them all. i remembered so many things i forgot. read
all of anthonys letters. love letters, i have so many love
letters i had no idea. it was comforting to discover that.
that someone felt that way about me. it was an obsession
tho, and i put them away and wont let myself go through
them again. living in the past is no good.
after anthony, i didnt cry not once over him. i just
silently declared to myself that i would never get myself
involved like that with a person ever again. will not ever
let myself be vlnerable or dependant on a guy again. "fuck
that, never again." and it was such a deep pain i guess,
that i just didnt think anything was worth that pain. and i
did a good job of not getting into any kind of serious
relationship sinse. i always kept my distance. with chris
tho, i for some reason let go , and i even wanted to let go
all the way, but i was never able to, he wouldnt let that
happen, and ive been fighting the feeling to just close
back up again. fighting very hard to not become the
emotionally closed off person i tried so hard to be for so
many years, who didnt think it was worth it to get hurt
like that. i live just fine . i dont need that kinda
bullshit. ive been trying to remember that irish proverb
thing : love like you've never been hurt.
alrighty i need to sleep. so unbelievably tired. and
braindead stinky work tomorrow.