Ryan

fasthands135
2003-03-02 21:51:52 (UTC)

G'N'R' and everything inbetween

Yeah thats right I use to listen to guns n fuckin roses
kinda corny. reason i bring this up is because i was feelin
bad so I called my old buddy um i dont know if i should put
her name in here cause there are some people that get
bothered by people writing about them. So ill just call her
D. The big D hehe. shes not big but i thought it sounded
kinda corny. When we were good friends a while back she use
to make fun of me cause i listen to guns n roses. I once
wrote gnr on her door in her room hehe. not that i think of
it it was pretty funny. Im pretty sure Big D. wont mind me
talkin about her cause shes very chilled shes cool as hell.
That one very phone call today but the stress level down a
little. I thank you so much for that. When I first met Big
D. hehe. We went to this thing called berkley days its like
a extremely trashy fair in berkley where the high school
was. She dosent know this but that was one of the best days
of my life hehe. We went on this ride that like goes around
in circles and up and down in all weird directions. How the
hell do u explain what a certain ride does??? anyways. we
went on it and i dont know if it was because she was scared
or not but when the ride started she started to dig her
nails in the back on my back. the back of my back. that
sounds weird. It hurt so fuckin much haha. but you know
what some of the most painful things can actually make u
feel pretty good. Of course shes just a friend but I use to
have a huge crush on this girl. majorly haha. Shes
absolutely beautiful. every time i see her she looks
beautiful. And funny as shit. and i like to think of her as
a bad ass sometimes hehe. The last couple times we hung out
were kinda uncomfortable but only because of me. and its
the same thing with a lot of girls that i chill with which
by the way hasnt happend often lately. Ill admit it im
lonely yeah i know ur probably thinkin oh shut up. and when
i end up hanging out with a girl as beautiful as big D. my
mind distorts. and all i can think about is well u know.
when next to me I have this person with an amazing
personality just a great person and i just fuck it up. but
i think big D. kinda understands what i mean now. First
there was jen. first gf. mos intelligent person ive ever
met. really and anyone else would probably agree. she knows
everything about anything. Ive seen this girl get in to
fights with guys and just pull out these lines that would
completly make them look like a fool haha. Probably the
reason it didnt work out was because i really looked up to
her she was incredible. i just couldnt handle someone as
amazing as her. and absolutely beautiful. can u beleive
that. I had a beautiful gf. very very pretty. and so i
fucked that relationship up and ended up dating her best
friend which i rather not say the name cause again i dont
know if she would appriciate me mentioning her name. Great
gf just completely awsome. first girl that i think that
mabey i loved. I loved everything about her. and i broke up
with her why? ive asked myself that so so many times. and
the reason had nothing to do with her. there was nothing
that could of been better about her. When i was going out
with her was when I started to not feel how I was usually
feeling before the 9th grade mabey. i broke up with her
cause i hated myself and i just wanted to be alone. you
just cant have anormal relationship with someone wether it
be gf or friend if u dont like yourself. now adays present
time if i was feeling ok well it wouldnt work out with us
again anyways. cause now we seem to be completly different.
not to say we werent different then but there was a great
connection. now shes just a friend that i talk to once in a
while. and by the way i love callin this girl when im not
feelin good cause she seems to have the most calming voice.
just a very nice person. then there was that girl...wait
there wasnt another one haha. well at least gf. but i made
an amazing friendship with Big D. after that so it was ok.
the other day someone told me that They werent there for me
and that she felt bad that she wasnt. wasnt there for me?
Dont u mean i wasnt there for you. Im not gonna lie. being
around anyone or talking to anyone for a long period of
time gets to me. even if i like them a lot i just learn to
hate everything. mabey not hate but just be irritated by
everything. U didnt ignore me i ignored u. yep i would go
on another sn and wait to u were off and then come on. go
ahead hate me feel whatever about it. but tis the same with
everyone. When i like someone alot i just need to get away
cause i cant handle myself let alone a long friendship.
Last night i had a discussion with my mom and about anybody
else i could think of to call cause it was a real fucked up
night. I decided I need to go to the hospital. and i can
say what im about to say cause im going tonight. im going
to admit myself to one. first im going to have my momtake
me up to common ground where they will evaluate me to
determine which hospital i can go to. I need to go well
because I dont trust myself. Its gotten to the point where
i just dont want to do this anymore. I dont want my life.
and as mucgh as i dont want it i dont want to lose it. So i
know im doing the right thing. u know it feels really good
to say that. normally if u were to tell someone that they
would immediatly call 911 and get u admited but for once
actually this is the 2nd im doing it myself. I once wrote
this completly unappropriate poen to a girl i knew that was
my friend. whats horrible is that after the whole thing i
couldnt explain why i did it. She actually thinks that i
wrote it because i was madly in love withher. but for one
thing this girl is one of the hardest girls to get close to
shes probably the last girl in the world that i could ever
imagine being with. im not saying that in a bad way shes
just way to awsome for me. shes a great person. but at
those times when i feel i can do anything and get anything
and feel everything and see everything all i want is the
best and i actually think i can get some of these things.
some of the hardest things to get. I cant hide it anymore.
the thing is they usually dont admit u unless u say ur
going to harm urself or harm someone else. well i definatly
have no intentions of harming anyone else. only me. So im
gonna have to tell them that when I go there. If my mom
cant take me tonight im going to go tomorrow. I want to be
a good person and i know im not a good person. A good
person dosent hate themselves every minute of the day. A
good person dosent treat people like complete shit
especially my family. A good person dosent say the
disgusting horrific things that i say even know i dont want
to say them. and finally someone that does feel good.
dosent get as high as i do without any drugs at all. thats
something that probaly hardly anyone thats reading this
would understand. i can feel fucking amazing beyong amazing
like i can completly rule everything and do everything and
just feel like i have everything in my grasp and then
suddenly a couple minutes later it just immediatly
dissinagrates. vanishes and i turn in to this mean horrible
physically depressed person thats screaming at the top of
there lungs. up and down up and down. Of course theres
times where i can feel good and be right in the middle. but
theres nothing worse then that being swept away by nothing
whatsoever no person no thing nothing it just happens. and
im addicted to this high that i get. the most addicting
thing in the world more addicting then any drug any food.
Like oscar Wilde said. I can resist everything but
temptaion. How do i end this entry. That person that told
me you shouldnt write ur feelings on the internet for
others to see well i thing ur wrong. This has helped me.
for all those times in school or hanging out with people
for what was really going on in the sick twisted mind of
mine. Another reason i have to go to this hospital is
because for some reason my body is rejecting the one
medicine that has helped me so damn greatly. and its
devestating to me cause i thought i was half way there. i
really did i was starting to feel somewhat stable. Im so
sorry for all the things ive fucked up especially with
wonderful people. I want to make things right i want to do
things right. Ibe been telling myself for so long theres no
way possible i can get better theres just no way. i dont
want to get technical but with whats going on its the
hardest to find medication and to not constnatly think
about not being here. well for now im gonna go mabey see a
movie before i go. anything. I dont know if they can help
me there but i do know me being there i cant do anything to
hurt myself. I need to get at least somewhat stable. Ive
been crying all night and day. and i dont want a certain
person to think its there fault that all of a sudden im
saying this. like i said nothing and i mean nothing brings
on the moods that i feel it just happens. yes there are
things that can make it worse but usually it happens for no
reason whatsoever. well i mean there is a reason just not
one u can extend ur hand out to grab. well again i guess
its later for now. i love everyone i really do. its just
ime for me to try and figure out how to love me. peace




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