My Everyday Thoughts
" Hey, I have some bad news."
March 2, 2003
I called Phil after work yesterday and it was... like
things were just as great as ever. We were laughing and
joking, talking about real stff.. it was good. Before he
got off the phone he asked me to go see a late night movie
with him after he got off work and I of course, the crazed
girl that I am, broke all my nights plans and said yes.
When we hung up, I was smiling from ear to ear. I haven't
hung out with Phil since the Super Bowl party and finally
he is making an effort to hang out. I turned down all the
phone calls to me, to go out with other people that night
and sayed home and religiously watched my phone ring
confirming what movie and time. He was supposed to call
before 9 and as the slow minutes ticked by 9..9:15..9:30..
I finally called him at work. As he picked up the phone
and said "Hey"... I knew.I knew I was going to not have to
put on my makeup, I could leave my hair wet from the
shower I just took, and I could stay in my warm Pj's and
crawl into bed with my favorite make-me-feel-better movie.
He tried to say it all poetically and in that "I'm really
sorry this is going to hurt because you are a shmuck and
you care more about me than I care about you" kinda way
and simply said," hey, I have some bad news." If there was
a heart mechine that can record dissapointment, mine would
be on the very bottom. I said, " You can't go, can you."
and he said yea, sorry. He said he would call my cell
later and he would explain. For some reason I put a high
standard for him and that in my mind no explaination would
matter. The whole world could end, but I would expect him
to come. What is wrong with me? After my eyes started to
fall because I was so tired so I pulled over my covers and
went to sleep, expecting my some what annoying cell phone
ring to wake me up when Phil called. But I slept through
the night and woke up with the sun and when I came to.. I
realize, no call. I beg myself not to over analyze
everything. And just to be.. normal. Why couldn't he come,
did he just not want to come anymore, do his parents hate
me and said he couldn't go with him, is he still in love
with his ex and decided he couldn't do, why didn't he
call, did he forget or just didn't want to talk to me..
WHAT? Grrrr.. So here I am this morning, about to get
ready for my day but I have this gut feeling Phil and I
won't talk for awhile. He won't call because he knows he
let me down and he doesn't want to get crap about it. And
I won't call because I'm hurt and that he should call me..
and that is that. And this, ladies and gentlemen is how
the crazy system works between Phil and I.
You should have seen that sunrise
with your own eyes
Brings me back to life.
You'll be with me next time
I go outside
No more 3x5's.