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2003-03-02 08:04:10 (UTC)

where to begin

I'm pretty confident now that I was never meant to be
loved. Sure, i'll have the family love and all that
required crap, but not the other kind. man i feel pretty
stupid writing this but i guess why give a shit? no one
knows who i am nor will they even care anyway, these
diaries are all based on selfishness, from the web
designers to get ad hits and make money to schmucks like
me to sit around and whine about their shitty lives. i
cant be loved because i cant let myself be. im not
attractive, and thats the first and key aspect to this
concept. because even if youre a fucking idiot or piece of
shit person, if youre attractive, people will always come
floating to you eventually here or there, but if youre
not, then youve got your work set out for you. second, im
a mental case. i must have some sort of depression
problems or something... i used to think i was bi-polar,
maybe i am, who knows. im not about to go see some
psychiatrist about it, id rather live in ignorance. third,
just in the remote case that someway, somehow, someone
might have slipped through all those cracks and boobytraps
to get to me, dont worry, because im probably gay. so that
should pretty much do it for me, the icing on the cake to
truly seal the deal for me. and in my own little cynical
mind, i think its rather ingenious. if i actually believed
in god i'd have to fucking hand it to him that he truly
did screw me over, to create the perfect half shell of a
human being. but its obvious thats just how i will have to
be for the rest of my life, ive thought about suicide but
not seriously, and i would never do it. because this is my
hell, and its not any better or different if i was dead
than alive, i dont need to rush there because i am already

and paul... you had to come along and dig the knife deeper
didnt you. at least before i could pretend to myself to
ignore it, but now its just in my face, and again my heart
decieved my brain by foolishly telling you too much than
you ever should have known, that anyone could. i could
never be ina relationship with anyone, because it would
only be selfish. no one deserves to hae to deal with me. i
couldnt ever place that burden on anyone but myself. but
if this is what love might even begin to feel like then my
head is right in its defensive mode: fuck it. stay away.
NEVER bring down your guarded walls, not even for a
second. screw you paul. this morning i cant even remember
the last time i was that happy driving in my car, yet here
tonight not more than an hour ago i cried all the way
home. what's wrong with me? i must be a psychiatrists
dream case or something.

once i thought i wanted to be a psychiatrist, and
sometimes i still do. other people interest me, i dont
know why. yet i cant even deal with myself. i hate
psyhiatrists, and yet i could say that interests me? what
the hell. i would probably just absorb their emotions and
fling myself off a cliff or something. i hope i have a
higher calling in my life than to be like this the rest of
my days because some times i wonder how the hell i can do
it. maybe my destiny lies elsewhere, in my profession or
whatever work i do, maybe thats just what i am here for,
and nothing else, and all this is just here to tell me to
stay on the fucking right track. im trying to do something
with myself and go off the track and am being shocked and
kicked back on. i was foolish enough to think i could
attain happiness in that manner and now i am being taught
a lesson. but who am i fighting... it would be easier to
comply if at least i knew that, instead of myself all the
time. i really do think i have serious problems but i am
harmless, and thats the biggest irony of my personal hell.
because its all in my own head and no one elses and i cant
ever let them know it. i will have to use my heart and my
brain to stabilize myself just enough...always.. to only
barely continue onwards.

a life of mediocrity? thats what i fear most. i want to
believe that if i cant have one element of my life
fulfilled that it MUST be compensated for somewhere else.
if im not attractive now i must be smart or interesting.
if im not actually going anywhere now with my life i must
be going somewhere later. if i cant ever be loved or love
another then something somewhere else down the road must
be good. i hope so..

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