Chapter One: The Evil Within
2003-03-02 06:44:51 (UTC)

i know it sounds corny

But even though i ust saw matt like 3 hours ago, and
talked to him about 2 hours ago, i miss him... i mean,
yeah, its stupid and i sound attached, but its not that, i
am normally cool with not having him around every day all
day and shit, i mean i like seeing him alot but i know he
is busy... just today, i didnt want to let go... I love him
so much. And for th longest time I thought i was actually
cpming to terms on some things, like that hes going over
seas and that i have to savor the time i have with him..
but i am so scared... i dont want to lose the only person i
care this much about, and i am sure i have said i love
people before, but this is the head over heals, dream of
all the good things that could possibly come, ice cream,
and butterflies, smiles, the winning goal, feeling... ya
know.. i dont know... one of these days i may be able to
explain it better, all i know is that i love him more than
anything else.. more than french fries and vinegar, thats
big by the way... and everytime i see him i smile because i
love him so much, and i hate when i disappoint him
sometimes, and i love it when i ee him smile, or hear him
tell me he loves me too... i love it when he runs to see
whats wrong when i start crying, and atomatically tries to
fix it or make me smile. i love looking into his eyes, and
knowing all hte secrets to the work for just a few seconds.
I really love him...

I cant get him outta me head.. i mean.. how corny, right?
you would think after so long I would get out of this
stage.. and sometimes i think i am, and then it sneaks up
on me agian.. i think i am truey happy... even thought my
life is so shaken up... i am happy, because i have him. i
love Matthew!

Okay now if i can avert my mind for just a few seconds...
heres a but of my life... my parents and i are having a hot
cold relationship... they love me when i am either not here
are not talking, but as soon as i open my mouth.. it seems
to be all down hill from there for the most part...

and my friends.. i dont know what to say about then.. i
mean i dont have a wide selection, but some of them irk me
to no belief, and it seems like the friends i do have is a
close knit of friends, so if i dont want to make anyone
choose between me and anyone else, so i htink i am going to
start fading out of the picture... its stops people from
haveing to make really difficult decisions... i love
them... all of them... even the really annoying ones..
because i am sure i am really annoying to them, but i dont
think i can handle the battle for attention, or the
arguments anymore... its really not worth it.

so where does that leave me you ask? i am not sure, because
my parents have told me that they would prefer it if i
werent here, like living with them here, and my friends are
slowly going to fade out of the picture, so the only real
place that i feel excepted, is with matt... and we cant
live togther, he lives with his parents, and i think they
would have issues with me being there... just slightly, ya
know... so i am going to live in my bedroom for now... i

Toodles Everyone,

V.E. Mishock