Jai

Sex, drugs, rock and roll
2003-03-01 23:52:33 (UTC)

Cutting

I think its about time for a serious entry-so here it
is. Recently my interest in self harm has reached a peak so
I'm trying to sort it out-figure out why I do it, and if I
should stop. I remember when I was really young (like 6 or
7) I enjoyed feeling pain, like if i was cutting an apple,
and i accidentally cut myself it would feel good, so id do
it again "by accident". I'd do small little things like
that. If i got really upset I'd destroy something I really
liked, and though that should have pissed me off more, it
replaced the origonal problem and allowed me to avoid
dealing with it.
Now you're all thinking i'm quite a deranged individual,
and being a child acting that way there is no way i could
turn out as a normal adult-well here i am, and i wouldn't
say i'm the norm, but i've definitely turned out okay.
Well the "accidental" cutting, and destruction of
personal posessions ended around age 9 or 10. From that
time until about age fifteen I was one of the many who
thinks cutting is insane, and not normal. well when i was
fourteen I had a friend who had a lot of scars along her
arms and I asked her about them, and she told me of how she
used to be really depressed and it was a way for her to
deal. I thought that sounded crazy, and I let her know it
(bad move), and it (understandably) pissed her off that i
alienated her behaviour.
When I was about fifteen I matured a lot, I no longer
judge people and I try my hardest to understand where they
are coming from....I'm actually embarassed to admit that I
was once so judgemental.
At sixteen I became very interested in body
modification-I still am. I'm not willing to do many of the
hardcore mods, but I understand why others choose to do so.
I don't actually have a lot of piercings, but i do do alot
of piercings, but I don't keep them in. I used to think
this was because I decided after I did the piercing I
didn't like it so much, or it just didn't look right-but it
was actually because i enjoyed the pain of doing it. Now
I'm fine doing piercings for the sole reason that it feels
good. I do all my own piercings too, unless its a piercing
im serious about and plan to keep-otherwise it would be
much too expensive, and I don't experience the same
pleasure when someone else does the piericng for me. I also
enjoy the buildup of adrenaline before you do a piercing-
its almost like a high really. I only have about 20
piercings, but I've pierced myself well over a hundred
times.
Later came my first serious cutting experience. I had
gotten in a huge fight with my mom. We don't have your
normal mother-daughter relationship. When we fight its not
over stupid stuff, and its never a small fight. At
seventeen I haven't even lived with my parents for the
majority of my life. I am my own guardian, and have been
for a long time-not legally so, but like at school for
example they recognized me as my own guardian, and didn't
call home when I skipped, and allowed me to sign permission
slips myself. anyways, back to the story, after the fight I
felt terrible, my mom has a way of doing that to me, ( just
note here, i felt terrible not guilty, for me to have felt
guilty i would have had to have done something wrong), and
I went up to my room (i lived with my parents at the time)
and cried. I had this feeling that i just needed to hurt
myself, it was the same feeling i had at 6 or 7 that i
needed to create another problem to get rid of the problem
at hand. so i took a knife (it was easily right there
because i'd used it to enlarge a piercing several days
earlier), and i just began cutting my arms in a horizontal
direction. After i felt amazing relief, and my arms felt
light, and they didn' really hurt much. I counted over 2
hundred cuts on my arms. The next few days whenever i was
alone i was constantly looking at my arms in awe that i was
able to do that to myself. I was even kind of proud.
Well since then i've cut myself sometimes a little bit
everyday, or sometimes alot every few days. I do it for
various reasons. Sometimes I feel shitty, and the only way
I can make it go away is to cut. Sometimes I can't sleep so
i cut myself till i bleed a bit, and I'm not good with
blood so i pass out.
Do i think i have a problem? yeah, but im not ready to
deal with it yet. I think it is okay to cut in modeation,
but the real problem is the problems behind the
cutting....and I have lots of them, and I'm trying to deal
with them one at a time, but its not that easy. I don;t
think its healthy that i cut to escape my problems, or that
i use it as a method of getting sleep...cuz there are
better ways. For now im going to continue to cut
shamelessly, and hopefully I'll be able to stop someday.
Only one person knows about my cutting, hes a kindof
friend. i was working on some homework with him when one of
the cuts started to bleed through my white shirt. I didnt
even notice, but he did and hes like "oh my god, your arms
bleeding" I was kinda shocked, and couldn't think what to
say or what to do (and kinda dizzy at the sight of blood),
and before i knew it he had rolled up my sleeve and could
see all the cuts on my arm. I'm bad at making up lies, and
I told him i'd been playing with my cousin's pet raccoon
when it went crazy on my arm. He so didnt buy it, but i
stuck by my lie. He did the whole thing i did to my friend
a few years ago making me feel like i had a serious
problem, and for some reason he came to the conclusion im
suicidal. The cutting is not a suicidal thing at all, if i
wanted to kill myself id just do it-im not a fucking pussy.
So basically this cutting thing is my secret.
For now, with the cold weather and all its not a big
problem to cover it up, except for when im at work. My
uniform consists of a tshirt, so i wear a long sleeved
shirt underneath (which isnt allowed, but i do it anyways),
and if youve ever worked in a restaurant you know it can
get really hot, so ive actually passed out several times.
Also with tasks such as washing dishes i have to roll up
my sleeves, and i do so to the minimum amount possible, but
cuts are still visible, and ive seen several coworkers take
notice to the cuts, but thankfully none have said anything.
There is no connection to this cutting and my attempting
to cut off my arm when i was hallucinating-which only
happened once. I have scratched up my arms pretty bad when
im hallucinating, but its not a pleasurable thing, and its
usually done in a state of panic. There is a connection
between my need to self harm and my drug use though. as for
suicide and shit ill write about that in another entry





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