hotpeppasauce

My Life on some days and times
2003-03-01 05:52:52 (UTC)

Beyond frustrated

I am feeling beyond frustrated and pissed off with this
guy I call my man. I really try hard to accept him but I
am at the point of wondering if I am settling for less.
This is really serious to me and to him it seems as though
my thoughts and feelings could matter less. I am tired of
feeling like what I have to say doesn't mean shit or he
doesn't want to hear it, but the fact is he never wants to
hear it. He doesn't realize that this denial of my
feelings creates resentment and truly makes me not want to
deal with him at all. I sometimes think I have put up with
him due to the fact he more of a provider thyan I have
ever had. I have become reliant upon him but emotionally
he is ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just am tired of not haviong a
partner I can share my deepest feelings with or any
feeling I have with. My outlook on men is bleek in the
semnse of finding one that will fullfill my needs. I want
intimacy and he seems to run from it, I am not here to
chase I have done enough of that. I don't know what to do
anymore. I really can't deal with this and how I feel
about him and how I can't tell him anything, he is always
defensive and tries to say it is me but I have tested it
and it doesn't matter how I say things or bring them to
him...he is always defensive, I see alot of issues with
him that he refuses to deal with. He is married to poetry
and if that didn't exist for him I don't know what would.
It makes no sense as he isn't going any where with it. I
feel so angry and neglected emotionally and he if I tell
him this he will get defensive and say he is doing the
best he can welll truthfully his best just isn't good
enough. I know alot of this shit stems from his mother I
don't care what he says...it is obvious as hell and it
bothers me he thinks so ignorantly of women. Like with me
having our baby....I went thru so much bullshit when I was
pregnant in the way of my feelings it wasn't even funny,
he takes everything personal...so we fought all the time,
i fight to be heard he fights not to listen...yeah and
what kind of sense does that make. He also says all these
things he is going to do and DOES NONE of them...I am so
tired of certain things with him it is not funny.
Sometimes I think I am scared to be single again as being
a single mother has been a living hell for me and I am not
too willing to go thru it again. So I guess I out up with
him but I am tired of feeling like this and would like
things to change. I am beginning to resent him to a point
where I don't give afuck anymore. I am soo fucking angry
with him..................there are alot of feelings that
underlie this anger but all I can speak upon is the anger.
I really want to hurt him physically right now...punch him
in his head or something...for real. It is fucked up but I
can speak with his male friends easier than I can talk to
him and one his male friends totally understands my point
and his and sees where he is fucking up. He always tells
me I hope he doesn't have to lose you in order to
understand the changes he needs to make.It is obvious that
he doesn't give a fuck or he would try and do something to
make this situation right. I don't know what else to say
or do...I am silent most of the time just existing with
him. No intimacy as that is how he wants it.




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