gummo

gummo's dreams
2003-03-01 02:53:24 (UTC)

Glad to see end of week

Originally written 7:30-50p.m. Pacific Time. 2/27/03
Couldn't post on www.my-diary.org because of system
upgrade.

"Don't try to be like anyone else. Just try to be more and
more like yourself."
-Author unknown

I feel that I'm becoming more and more comfortable
with being myself, but sometimes I don't know. I doubt
myself and my abilities. I've decided that I wasn't going
to write any more negative, morbid entries. At least not
for awhile. I'm becoming what I hate most, a
self-loather.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled
and I'm scared. I haven't felt like this for a long time but
I'm not going to back down from fears. I have to face
them head-on. I'll spend an extra $15 and get nitrous
gas. I'm hoping it'll help quiet my anxiety. The good
news is that I'll have the day off of work. I'll come home
and try to sleep it off.

Today my editor gave me a slap on the hands for
working on my 3-D project without getting paid. While
he was talking to me I tried to think about why he was
so concerned. A part of me felt he had geniune concern
for me and doing work for free but a larger part of me
knew better. He just cares about his image and that
people will see us doing work because it's too much.
It's not likely that he'll give us the time we need. He'll
just not give us the big projects we want. Next time I just
have to keep my mouth shut. I need to do these
projects because it's my ticket out of here.

Tonight I think I'll draw some more and then go to the
gym. Yesterday's drawing came out decent. While I was
rendering it, I knew that some of it was wrong and out of
perspective. I decide to just finish the drawing and
concentrate on the shading techniques. I was pleased
with that part. Tonight I'm going to use colored charcol
and do my niece. I'm thinking it will be a lot easier
because babies really don't have any facial features
and everything is rounded. No unexpected shades.

Geez, I need to clean up this apartment. It's a fuckin' pig
sty. I HATE living in filth. I hate working hard to keep it
clean while Lisa just throws shit everywhere. I wish my
girls could shit and piss in the toilet. Either that or clean
up their own litter. I want the litter maid but the cost is
out of my reach right now. Maybe I'll get it when I get my
raise.

So I want some excitement in my life and I got what I
wanted. I got a letter from the American Red Cross
yesterday and it seems that there was some
abnormalities in the blood I donated the other day. They
threw my unit away and said I could never donate
again. Thanks! I've made an appointment to the doctor
but it's a couple of weeks away. I'll keep on living as
usual. It's not like I'm a couch potato. I eat good, for the
most part, and excercise regularly. What more could
you ask for?

I was thinking that if some freak thing happened and I
died, it would kinda be a relief. I mean, I would leave
Lisa and my girls but they would eventually be alright.
They're young right now. I want to do so much more in
life, but I think I've accomplished a lot considering
where I've come from. The ghetto of NW Indiana. I'm
sure it was written for me that I was supposed to be a
gang member, on drugs, have 5 kids, etc... How did I
ever get out of that and get a decent education? I'm now
on the left coast and generally happy. Other than the
loneliness and finances, things are fine. I would of
touched a couple of people's lives and that makes me
happy. I wonder what death is like. What really
happens?

Gonna see at least two more internation films while the
International Film Festival is going on. I'm lookig
forward to that. I love discovering little jewels in life like
that. Great films, music, books, art, etc...

So I decided I'm gonna totally stop contact with the few
friends I have back east. They haven't contacted me and
I'm sick and tired of my constant efforts while getting
nothing in return. It stops from here on out. Except for
Dave in Philly. He's e-mailed me a short note and
asked me to hang in there with not getting e-mails
cause he hasn't gotten his computer hooked up. He
tells me some interesting things that I want to follow up
on but I feel like I'm bothering him if I call him. I wonder
if he feels as lonely as me. Probably not. He tells me
from time to time about some friends he has.

But as for Kris, Andrea, Mary (maybe), Alex and Dino,
I'm through. I guess I feel more hurt than anything.
Pushed to the side and forgotten.




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